Everyone Says I Love You Monologues

A New York girl sets her father up with a beautiful woman in a troubled marriage while her stepsister gets engaged.

That's Frieda, our maid. Personally I think she was Hitler's maid at Berchtesgaden.

And, of course, my stepbrother Scott, who's very smart, but currently on the outs with the family, because he's become a conservative Republican, which has caused my stepfather to have a stroke since we're all liberal Democrats.

And wouldn't you know it, as soon as his brain started functioning properly, Scott resigned from the Young Conservative Republican Club and started espousing left-wing, Democratic, liberal philosophy.

If Dad's a liberal Democrat, then you'd have to say Mom is the one thing more extreme. She's a guilty liberal Democrat.

I'm gonna kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. In fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or… wait a minute. With the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York, but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done and I could also be dead.

In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.

Carol was a poet and a member of MENSA so...

Yeah she was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin, so how was I to know?

My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent VanGogh.

Madeline was an archaeologist. She was fabulous.

Yeah, okay, she had a little problem with fidelity. You know, I didn't happen to see it.

Well, that's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my… magic personality.

You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing.

There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed.