Ed Wood Monologues

Ambitious but troubled movie director Edward D. Wood Jr. tries his best to fulfill his dreams despite his lack of talent.

This is the one. 'This' is the one I'll be remembered for.

Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, grab some dinner, maybe?

No, it's fine. It's real. You know, in actuality, Lobo would have to struggle with this problem every day.

Why, if I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage. The story opens on these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So, the military are called in to solve the mystery.

That's right. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends.

Listen, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites. I need transvestites. All right. Bye.

You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movie.

Well, I started thinking about what you were saying about how your movies need to make a profit. Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?

What are you talking about, it's the premise of the movie. It's the title of the movie for Christ sakes.

Kathy... I'm about to tell you something that I never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know... I like to wear women's clothes.

I like to wear women's clothes. Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps. It's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.

This story's gonna grab people. It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn, Georgie. This is drama.

Look, he's got some nice things to say here. "The soldiers' costumes are very realistic." That's positive!

They're driving me CRAZY. These Baptists are stupid. Stupid. STUPID.

Phooey. It's only a five hour drive and it'll probably stop raining by the time we get to the desert. Heck, it'll probably stop by the time we get around the corner. Let's go.

Dolores, I have 5 days to finish this picture. Don't get goofy on me.

We are going to finish this picture just the way I want it… because you cannot compromise an artist's vision.

And you're gonna make a bundle, but only if you shut up and let me do things my way.

Are you people insane? I'm the director. I make the casting decisions around here.

Bunny? We're making another movie! Yes. I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash!

My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.

Orson Welles was only 26 when he made Citizen Kane. I'm already 30.