Dog Day Afternoon Monologues

Three amateur bank robbers plan to hold up a bank. A nice simple robbery: Walk in, take the money, and run. Unfortunately, the supposedly uncomplicated heist suddenly becomes a bizarre nightmare as everything that could go wrong does.

Is there any special country you wanna go to?

Sal, Wyoming's not a country.

Kiss me.

Kiss me. When I'm being fucked, I like to get kissed a lot.

I don't wanna talk to some flunky pig trying to calm me man.

What is he doing?

What are you moving in there for?

What's he doing? Go back there man! He wants to kill me so bad he can taste it! Huh? ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

ATTICA! ATTICA! REMEMBER ATTICA?

You'd like to kill me? Bet you would.

It's your job, right? The guy who kills me… I hope he does it because he hates my guts, not because it's his job.

I'm robbing a bank because they got money here. That's why I'm robbing it.

Uh, no. Doing what? You know if you want a job you've got to be a member of a union. See, and if you got no union card you don't get a job.

What's wrong with this guy? What do you mean non-union, like what? A bank teller? You know how much a bank teller makes a week? Not much. A hundred and fifteen to start, right? Now are you going to live on that? I got a wife and a couple of kids, how am I going to live on that? What do you make a week?

Well I'm talking to you. We're entertainment, right? What do you got for us?

No, I don't want to be paid, I don't need to be paid. Look, I'm here with my partner and nine other people, see. And we're dying, man. You know? You're going to see our brains on the sidewalk, they're going to spill our guts out. Now are you going to show that on television? Have all your housewives look at that? Instead of As The World Turns? I mean what do you got for me? I want something for that.

Give up? Right. Have you ever been in prison?

No! Well let's talk about something you fucking know about, okay? How much do you make a week? That's what I want to hear. Are you going to talk to me about that?

Hey, what the fuck happened?

Fuck him.

Look, Mom, I'm a fuck-up and I'm an outcast and that's it. You come near me, you're gonna get it - you're gonna get fucked over and fucked out!

Tell them to put their guns down! Put the fucking guns down! Put 'em down! Put 'em down! Put the fucking guns down! Put those guns down! Attica! Attica! You got it, man! You got it, man! You got it, man! You got it! You got it!

You know I can call anybody, they'd put it on the phone? The Pope, an astronaut, the wisest of the wise… Who do I have to call?

I'm a Catholic, I don't want to hurt anybody.

Hey, you! Manager! Fucker! Don't get ideas. I bark. That man there.

See him? He bites.

On my side, shit!

I speak what I feel, you know. "Watch my language". Empty the drawer out!

Bank robbing is a federal offense. You got me on kidnapping, armed robbery. You're gonna bury me, man!

I'll fly into the tropics, fuck the snow.

What if I take you with me?

They'll shoot you, you know. The cops! They don't give a fuck about your bank insurance. See what they did at Attica? Forty-two people they killed. The innocent with the guilty. Anyway, I won't take you with me. I'll take one of them - girls. A married one with some kids. The cops don't like it in the papers when they shoot a married woman - especially if she's got kids. You're all right. You won't fuck with me, will you?

Sal. He's the killer. We're Vietnam veterans so killing don't mean anything to us, you understand?

What's the matter with you? You shouldn't let something like that spoil your fun, you know. You got to get fun out of life.

Shit. Where's the goddamn jet? They're always screamin' overhead, goin' somewhere, when you don't need 'em, you know.

I'm not putting this on anybody. You know? Nothin' on nobody. I did this on my own. You see, all on my own, I did it.

I've gone so far with this. Why should I give up now? I can't give up.

So, you needed money, I got your money. That's it.

Oh, I don't know, you know. Life's so funny.