Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Monologues

Two con men try to settle their rivalry by betting on who can swindle a young American heiress out of fifty thousand dollars first.

His name is - James. No. His name is - James Josephson. Oh, no, no! James Lawrence. Lawrence! Lawrence! Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings. Forest Lawrenceton. La - Lars. Lars! Lawrence. Lawrence Lacko. Lawrence. His name is James Jessenden. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Jesterton. Lawrence Jesterton.

I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!

And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!

Hello Boys. It was fun. I'll miss you. Love, Janet. The Jackal. P.S. I'm keeping the money. Is that wrong?

Of all the lousy - She is disgusting! She is lying! She is deceitful! She is two-faced! She is conniving and she is dishonest!

My grandmother is wonderful. She has a laugh that can make the birds sing. But she's been quite ill lately and the hospital bills have been adding up. I just wanna do my share. It's kinda tough for me because I was never very good with money. I just seem to take what the Red Cross pays me and I give it right back to them. But I am going to help my gram-gram. She is the one who taught me it is better to be truthful and good - than to not.

Listen. We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more prostate trouble. I say it's time for a change. I say let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while. That probably shocks a guy like you, right?

Look what I did in the dining car! She gave me 100 francs. That's like, uh, 20 bucks! Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for 20 bucks?

Oh, come on! She's keeping the mink. I mean, if we take her for everything, she still comes out with a very very nice mink.