Dave Monologues

An uncanny Presidential lookalike named Dave is recruited by the Secret Service to become a momentary stand-in for the President of the United States.

If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do, until you stand up and decide to really try.

Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower…

What? Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the country.

Okay, let's get right to the guts of it: every one of these accusations is absolutely true.

I'm the President, and as they say, the buck stops here. So I take full responsibility for each one of my illegal actions. But that's not the whole story. I think the American people are entitled to the real truth.

I have here evidence in the form of notes, letters, and written memoranda, proving that Bob Alexander was involved in each of these illegal acts, and in most cases planned them as well.

Now, allegations of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice President Nance. Now, as this evidence will prove, at no time and in no way was the Vice President involved in any of this affair. Bob just made all that up. Vice President Nance is a good and decent public servant, and I want to apologize for any pain that this has caused him or his family.

I don't want to tell some eight-year-old kid he's gotta sleep in the street because we want people to feel better about their *car*. Do *you* want to tell them that?

She's great. She's really exotic! She's a princess! She's Polynesian - well, half Polynesian, and half American. She's… Amnesian.

You know, I've always wondered about you guys. You know, about how you're trained to take a bullet for the president?

Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?

So, now that means you'd get killed for me too.

First cover of Time and I need a shave.

I think there are certain things you should expect from your president. I had to care more about you than I do about me. I had to care more about what's right than I do about what's popular.

I mean she's the first lady. I mean couldn't I have started with a cousin?