Crimes and Misdemeanors Monologues

An ophthalmologist's mistress threatens to reveal their affair to his wife while a married documentary filmmaker is infatuated with another woman.

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, ok. It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.

Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than dog-eat-dog. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-phone-calls. You know, it's just terrible. Which reminds me, I should really check my service. I don't know why, I haven't had a message in seven years! You know, I call up and I hear the girls on the other end giggling.

He left a note. He left a simple little note that said "I've gone out the window." This is a major intellectual and he leaves a note that says "I've gone out the window." He's a role-model. You'd think he'd leave a decent note.

Listen, I don't know from suicides. Y'know, where I grew up, in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Y'know, everyone was too unhappy.

I don't know. Is there any - is there any reason I could give you that would answer that satisfactorily? You know, its just so - human sexuality is just - it's so mysterious.

I know this guy! He won't be able to take his hands off you. He'll get you in a room, you know, and he'll - he'll read you your Miranda rights and he'll tear your clothes off!

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

What is the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before.

My heart says one thing, my head says something else. It's very hard to get your heart and head together in life. Let me teach you that, you know. In my case, they're not even friendly.

Let me tell you something, things are not so good between my wife and myself. Just so you don't get any allusions. You know, we've been coming apart for the last year. You know, it's just that neither of us has the energy to do anything about it. But, it's not so great.

I got 600,000 feet of film on this guy. And he's telling how great life is and everything and now, you know. What am I gonna do? I'll cut it up and make it into guitar picks.

And after the awful deed is done, he finds that he's plagued by deep-rooted guilt. Little sparks of his religious background which he'd rejected are suddenly stirred up. He hears his father's voice. He imagines that God is watching his every move. Suddenly, it's not an empty universe at all, but a just and moral one, and he's violated it. Now, he's panic-stricken. He's on the verge of a mental collapse-an inch away from confessing the whole thing to the police. And then one morning, he awakens. The sun is shining, his family is around him and mysteriously, the crisis has lifted. He takes his family on a vacation to Europe and as the months pass, he finds he's not punished. In fact, he prospers. The killing gets attributed to another person-a drifter who has a number of other murders to his credit, so I mean, what the hell? One more doesn't even matter. Now he's scott-free. His life is completely back to normal. Back to his protected world of wealth and privilege.

I remember my father telling me, "The eyes of God are on us always." The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God's eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence I made my specialty ophthalmology.

It's my fault. I instigated it. I prolonged it. Many times I tried to back off, but, I was too weak. But, I promised her nothing. Or, did I? See, I don't even know anymore. In the heat of passion you say things. All I know is after two years of shameful deceit, where I lead this double life, I awakened as if from a dream and realize what I'd been losing.

You know, I kidded myself about loving her; but, deep down I knew, knowing I needed her selfishly, for pleasure, for adventure, for lust.

You've seen too many movies. I'm talking about reality. I mean, if you want a happy ending, you should go see a Hollywood movie.

Jack lives in the real world. You live in the kingdom of heaven. I'd managed to keep free of that real world but suddenly it's found me.

So this is it? Right? This is what you plan on doing? You're going to hold on to me with threats, right? Stupid threats and slander! This is your idea of love, right?