Carnal Knowledge Monologues

Chronicling the lifelong sexual development of two men who meet and become friends in college.

You want a job? I got a job for you. Fix up this pigsty! You get a pretty Goddammed good salary for testing out this bed all day! You want an extra fifty dollars a week, try vacuuming! You want an extra hundred, make this Goddammed bed! Try opening some Goddammed windows! That's why you can't stand up in here, the Goddammed place smells like a coffin!

Alright, where the fuck is my shoehorn? This place is a mess! There's not any food in the house, half the time you look like you fell out of bed! You spend more time in bed than any other human being past the age of 6 months than I ever heard of!

The first time I do it, I want it beautiful. I don't want to waste it on some beast.

Is this an ultimatum? Answer me, you ball-busting, castrating, son of a cunt bitch! Is this an ultimatum or not?

Oh, Bobbie. You don't need me. Why do you let yourself in for this kind of abuse? Walk out. Leave me. Please leave me. God's sake, I'd almost marry you if you'd leave me.

She's a real ball-buster, that one. I've been through the mill with her kind.

You think a girl goes for you, and you find out she's after your money or your balls - or your money *and* your balls. Women today are better-hung than the men.

At one time, it was great what we had… the kidding around. It can't have a natural time span. Affairs can't dissolve in a good way. There's always got to be poison. I don't see why, I really don't see why!

Mildred, I think, this one's name was. She followed me around at school. The fellas kidded me about her. I warned her if she didn't stop, I'd beat her up. She picked up her skirt, dropped her drawers and shoved her ass at me. So I got my first sight of ass at 12.

Some people you can tell about right away. Most girls I talk to it's like we're spies from foreign countries and we're speaking in code. Everything means something else. Like, I say, "Would you like to take a walk?" And it means something else. And she says, "I can't. I've got a French test tomorrow." And it means something else.

It's not as easy getting laid as it used to be. I don't think I fuck more than a dozen new girls a year now. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist. This last one came so close to being what I wanted. Good pair of tits on her - not a great pair. Almost no ass at all and that bothered me. Sensational legs. I would have settled for the legs, if she had just two more inches here and three more here.

This is just between the two of us, but for the last year or so, I've been having - I don't know, a little trouble. I wasn't worried, but still and all a little trouble with - well, myself. You know, getting hard. It took a long time, and you know how girls are today, they judge you. They judge you very quickly. So, uh, I had a real rough time a couple of times. Some very nasty innuendos. And, as I say, I wasn't too worried; but, I won't lie to you, I was a little worried. Then along comes this Bobbie. I get one look at the size of the pair on her and I never had a doubt I'd ever be anything but okay again, and I was. I was.

I'm going too fast for you? Your little mind operates like an IBM, like a pinball machine. First Cindy. Oh, no, not Cindy? How about Sandy? How about Cindy and Sandy?

That's Bonnie, my first love. She lived upstairs from us. We started exposing ourselves to each other at 10. We got caught on the roof one day by my mother who washed my mouth out with soap. I never got the connection.

Marcia, 13 1/2 or thereabouts, I kissed her one night at a spin-the-bottle party.

This one's Rosalie. Rosalie looked just like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet." I had a crush on Rosalie from 14 to 15 and I never went near her. In those days, we had illusions.

Here's Charlotte. Not much on looks, but great tits for 15.

Here's Gloria, the best-built girl at Evander Childs. I took her to the Bronx Zoo once and on the bus, copped a cheap feel.

Here's Gwen. I went with her for a year trying to get her to put out, but she thought I was too nice and was saving me for marriage. Every guy at Evander must have gotten into her pants except me.

Here's my first - no, that one was a mistake. Here's Eileen, my very first fuck. She was a modern dancer at Swarthmore. Great body on her. What a waste - frigid.

Here's Bobbie! My wife. The fastest tits in the West and king of the ball-busters. She conned me into marrying her and now she's killing me with alimony.

Here's a real cunt. I forget her name. A Nazi. I banged her in Berlin.

This slob I went with for a year until I got so sick of her ball-busting, I couldn't get it up anymore. I can't remember her name.

This was my Jap in the sack. I heard that Oriental girls were different. Not in America, they're not.

Sandy, you found a good piece of ass. God bless you. You're my friend, I'm happy for you. As long as it lasts, I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy. I mean it.

Bad vibrations? Sandy, I love you, but you're a schmuck. You were always young, Sandy, open. You were schmucky a lot of the time, but maybe schmuckiness is what you need to stay young and open.