Billy Madison Monologues

In order to inherit his fed up father's hotel empire, an immature and lazy man must repeat grades 1-12 all over again.

Uh… Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting… bigger.

So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.

Knibb High football rules!

Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.

No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying!

Okay, alright… Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

That's some idea. You just think of that?

Umm… this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.

It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

Give me one more chance, I'll prove I can take over. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again, and I'll get the diploma all by myself.

Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.

Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.