Batman Monologues

The Dark Knight of Gotham City begins his war on crime with his first major enemy being Jack Napier, a criminal who becomes the clownishly homicidal Joker.

Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!

I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.

As though we were made for each other… Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.

Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.

The pen, is truly mightier than the sword!

Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?

Bob, I want you to go down to the globe. Follow that reporter Knox. Take your camera. See what he knows about this Batman. And Bob...

Remember... you... are my number one... guy!

I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.

My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.

I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys.

Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.

And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!

So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.

You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.

Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?

Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which were true under that fiend, Boss Grissom. He was a thief, and a terrorist. On the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a killer. I am an artist. And I love a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival! And I've got a surprise for Gotham City. At midnight, I will dump 20 million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me; I've got enough.

You heard it, folks. 20 million. And there will be entertainment. The big du karoo. With me in one corner and in the other corner, the man who has brought real terror to Gotham City, Batman. Can you hear me? Just the two of us; you and me. Mano e mano. I've taken off my makeup. Now... let's see if you can take off yours.

Miss me? Nice place you've got here. Lots of space. Uh, Vicki, we've really got to have a talk. I'm very upset. We were having dinner. I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman. And without so much as an apology, you ran off with that sideshow phony.

I was in the bath one day, when i realized why i was destined for greatness.

You will take pictures and record my work. You will join me in the avant-garde of the new aesthetic.