As Good as It Gets Monologues

A single mother and waitress, a misanthropic author, and a gay artist form an unlikely friendship after the artist is assaulted in a robbery.

I don't know... It's very strange not feeling that stupid panic thing inside you all the time. Without that you just start thinking about yourself, and what does that ever get anybody? Today, on the bus there was this adorable couple and I felt myself giving them a dirty look. I had no idea everything was...

...Moving in the wrong direction. Away from when I even remembered what it was like to have a man to... anything... hold fucking - sorry - hands with, for Christ's sake. I was feeling, like, really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to. Like the poor kid doesn't have enough problems, he has to make up for his mom not getting any. Oh, boy. Who needs these thoughts?

Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life which you won't read is that somehow you've done more for my mother, my son and me, than anyone else ever has... And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I've ever met and that you be in our daily prayers forever. I also wrote one part... I wrote, "I'm sorry"... I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you when you came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back so I wrote that I was sorry for busting you on that... and I'm sorry for busting in on you that night... when I said I was never... I was sorry and I'm sorry every time your food was cold and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler... and I'm sorry for never spotting, right there at the table in the restaurant, the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us... You know what, I'm just going to start from the beginning... I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you... even as I look at the word "grateful" now it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel for you...

I've got this, what, ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never… all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.

Just let me... let me talk. I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good... about me.

Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

The next thing I know, she's sitting right there next to me. Well, it's not right to go into details… I got nervous. I screwed up. I said the wrong thing, where if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who if you make her laugh you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you: no offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.