Armageddon Monologues

After discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas will impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep-core drillers to save the planet.

Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.

I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.

Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to… bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?

Um, Bear would like to stay at the…

"White horse"?

White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.

For god's sakes, think about what you're doin'. Why are you listening to someone that's a 100,000 miles away? We're here, nobody down there can help us. So if we don't get this job done, everybody's gone.

I have been drilling holes in the earth for 30 years. And I have never, NEVER missed a depth that I have aimed for. And by God, I am not gonna miss this one, I will make 800 feet.

I know it baby. But there won't be anything to be scared of soon. Gracie, I want you to know that AJ saved us. He did. I want you to tell Chick, that I couldn't have done it without him. None of it. I want you to take care of AJ. And I wish I could be there to walk you down the aisle, but I'll... I'll look in on you from time to time, okay honey? I love you Grace.

None of you have to go. We can all just sit here on Earth, wait for this big rock to crash into it, kill everything and everybody we know. United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?

And this is the best that you c - that the-the government, the *U.S. government* can come up with? I mean, you-you're NASA for cryin' out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You-you're the guys that think this shit up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here, that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?

Houston, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I'd be comin' home. Now I don't know what you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here!

I'm gonna give you three seconds to shut this bomb down, and then I'm gonna make you shoot me.

Shut up! Just shut up! Shut your mouth! Those men in that room have zero tolerence for showin' off, hot doggin', going by your gut instinct or you tryin' to be a hero. You got that? Say the words, A.J.

You know, A.J., there's not a job on the planet I want you to work with me on. I mean that.