Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Monologues

In the 1970s, an anchorman's stint as San Diego's top-rated newsreader is challenged when an ambitious newswoman becomes his co-anchor.

And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.

Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter… is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee… Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!

I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.

Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.

Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I… I wanna be on you.

Yes, I do. Um… I'm sorry, it's… It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the… The pants store. Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later.

Nothing to look at! Get back to work everyone! Don't act like you're not impressed!

Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

A La Jolla man clings to life at a University Hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.

Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Oop… I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.

You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.

I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

The human torch was denied a bank loan.

I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diego or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.

Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...

I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...

If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!

I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!

Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!

We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...

…laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.

For just one night let's not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.

I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.

Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.