A Perfect Getaway Monologues

Two pairs of lovers on a Hawaiian vacation discover that psychopaths are stalking and murdering tourists on the islands.

What's the first thing you do when you step onto a plane? Maybe you have a sip of that fine champagne? You do fly in first class, right?

Well, when I board a plane, making my way back to the cheap seats, I clock every door. I pace off the distance between those exits and my seat. That plane loses power on takeoff, I can make egress in the dark, totally blind. If the aisle crowds up, I'm going to climb over the back on 36D, guy with that shiny-ass toupee, make the over the wing exit. And I know the handle swings down not up. And I know the door swings in not out. And I know all that inside of 30 seconds, before they even pop the cork for you up there in Hollywood class. See, if you wait till the emergency happens before you decide what to do, you're already dead.

Officially, I'm only allowed to say that I've been a sworn officer participating in a phase of certain missions that would make most men want to crawl up and hide inside their own assholes.

I'm a goddamn American Jedi. Possible title number one, by the way.

Hey, see this? Took a frag from a Bouncing Betty. It's an antipersonnel mine. Caved in the back of my fucking head. Medevaced out to Germany. Got my skull rebuilt with space-age titanium. Can't go through a metal detector without ringing cherries, but that's cool. Let's me travel with Gilligan just about wherever I want.

My little buddy

Here's the kicker, though. When I took that shrapnel, I never felt it. I mean, I felt the impact and I felt my backside go all wet, but no real pain. Now, maybe I don't recall the events in full. They did scoop out a little gray Spam back there, but get this. My wolf pack? They will swear that I was ambulatory for more than 17 minutes before they forced me to lie down. Tackled me. Even then I was looking to monkey-fuck a Marlboro Light. There's no nerve endings in the brain Cliff. Remember that when you write the scene.

Keep shaking that bush Luke, so we know where you are… keep shakin' that bush!

Those boys are comin' in heavy, you might want to hang back and let 'em do their thing.

Sometimes it seems like… like nothing exists until we get there, until we put our eyes on it. Like the whole fucking world was manufactured for our wants and needs, ya know?

I mean like if I take, if I just turn my head... ya know. For just a minute and... but don't tell me, but does everything just stop? Just shut down... go in to some energy saving hibernation mode, till I choose to reactivate them by simply...

How many times do I need to tell you? If there's anyone in this world that I could love, it's you. Why is that never enough?

Look... you helped create this fevered dream of immortality. You are the privileged witness who's gonna help me lead a hundred different lives. It's you.

I'm not lying now… I love the idea of loving you.

This is my wife's friend, she has little issue with um… crystal meth, okay? Normally she's pretty functional, but obviously… this ain't normal.

She's dosed right out of her mind right now… I mean it's been. Look! Look, look, look, look, come here.

Look at this… I'm finding these the whole trip. I think she just got in over her head this time. So, I hope you don't have to involve the… police or anything like that. I mean, I promise I'll get her back safe… okay?

Nothing bad ever happens in Hawaii, right?

Remember, nothing exists until we get there!

We're not really hunting goats here, are we?