A Fish Called Wanda Monologues

In London, four very different people team up on a jewel heist, then try to double-cross one another for the loot, complicated by their efforts to fool a very proper barrister.

Don't call me stupid.

Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.

If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."

Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson!

He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!

And he's going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!

And don't call me "Otto." To you, I am "Mr..."

Oh, my God… Oh… Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing robbing your own house?

You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English…!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Uh... uh... yeah.

Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique.

I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.

You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're… smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.

We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?

May I kiss you, Ken?

Don't call me stupid!

Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.

Ok… Ok… DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?

People are always taking advantage of me.

Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.

What is this? "Hump a Limey" week?

I love robbing the English, they're so polite.

I'm here because I'm bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving George's ugly pic... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they're uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched.

Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St.

To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they're so fucking lawyer.

superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice... when it works.

Son of a bitch!

So, wanna have some lunch?

Have you heard from him?

So the old lady's gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?

Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First: Who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?

No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next: In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?

Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

Beyond Good and Evil. Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken? Okay. Um… Let me think, let me think. Um… Where are the diamonds?

I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is and if they're going to come and arrest you. And you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

I looked at the clock… because I was saying to myself… It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?

Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself".

Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lies.

All right, all right, I apologise.

I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly.

I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.

You make me feel free.

Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so… dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it's such an ugly language. How about… Russian?

How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so...

Be a good girl, now, or I'll break your neck, okay?

You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.