17 Again Monologues

Mike O'Donnell is ungrateful for how his life turned out. He gets a chance to rewrite his life when he tried to save a janitor near a bridge and jumped after him into a time vortex.

Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die… then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful… and safe… because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad… because I had you. And then I, uh… I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today… but I don't want you to. But I guess… if I love you, I should let you move on.

When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.

You know Stan I feel sorry for you.

Oh, but I do all too well. You're the man. Captain of the basketball team, dates the pretty girls, high school is your kingdom. But people, Stan is a bully. Why? It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. No... no... Stan here is much more complex than that. See, according to leading psychiatrists, Stan is a bully for one of three reasons...

One... underneath all that male bravado, there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. Two... like a caveman, Stan's brain is underdeveloped. Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. And so he acts out aggressively. Three... Stan has a small wiener. Don't hurt yourself, big boy.

Come on, man! Don't you ever wanna go back and do high school again?

Not like the others. I'm very, very different. So different in fact that you and I could never, never ever ever be together. Stop Maggie.

I'm very confused. Yes, I'm extremely confused.

What are you talking about?

I'm not *gay*. I'm in love, Maggie. I'm... I'm in love. I've been in love with the same girl since i was 17, Maggie.

This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken

There's no path, Ned! There's no path. I can't do it! I just made it worse for them. My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned. It's time to move on...

If this were Afganistan, you would be pulled backwards through the streets by mountain goats with your hands cut off... just saying.

Now that is very sensible! I'm glad some here has there head screwed on straight! I think all of us should make a pact to abstain from sex! now who's with me? You guys come on.