Otto West Monologues

Don’t call me stupid.

Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren’t you? Well, would you like to know what you’d be without us, the good ol’ U.S. of A. to protect you? I’ll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that’s what! So don’t call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.

If it wasn’t for us, you’d all be speaking *German!* Singing “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles…”

Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I’m going to teach you a lesson!

He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!

And he’s going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!

And don’t call me “Otto.” To you, I am “Mr…”

Oh, my God… Oh… Oh my God. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing robbing your own house?

You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English…!

I’m sorry! I’m sorry. Uh… uh… yeah.

Look, you obviously don’t know anything about intelligence work, lady. It’s an X-K-Red-27 technique.

I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don’t go near him, he’s mine.

You’re a very attractive man, Ken. You’re… smart, you’ve got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.

We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we’d be really good for each other. What do you say?

May I kiss you, Ken?

Don’t call me stupid!

Avoid the green ones. They’re not ripe yet.

Ok… Ok… DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?

People are always taking advantage of me.

Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.

What is this? “Hump a Limey” week?

I love robbing the English, they’re so polite.

I’m here because I’m bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving George’s ugly pic… Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they’re uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched.

Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St.

To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they’re so fucking lawyer.

superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice… when it works.

Son of a bitch!

So, wanna have some lunch?

Have you heard from him?

So the old lady’s gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?

Well, Ken, I’m going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First: Who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?

No? That’s a chip up the nose, I’m afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next: In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?

Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

Beyond Good and Evil. Guess I’ll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken? Okay. Um… Let me think, let me think. Um… Where are the diamonds?

We have more monologues for You!