She said she was terrified of being alone. Terrified of living without him. That when she left, she’d be like Bambi on the ice. And that was precisely why she had to do it. Aksel mumbled soothing words she didn’t hear. She was thinking about how, at the age of 30, she’d just compared herself to Bambi.
At 30, Julie’s mom, Eva, had been divorced for two years. A single mom, and accountant in a publishing house. At 30, Julie’s grandmother had three children. She played Rebecca West in “Rosmersholm” at the National Theater. At 30, Julie’s great-grandmother, Astrid, was a widow, alone with four children. Julie’s great-great-grandmother had seven children. Two died of tuberculosis. Julie’s great-great-great-grandmother, Herta, was a merchant’s wife with six children in a loveless marriage. Julie’s great-great-great-great-grandmother never turned 30. The life expectancy for women at the time was 35 years.
Eivind turned it into a funny story he told everyone. But it touched something deeper in her. Awoke something in her. She googled her family name. Her grandfather came from the Far North. The DNA sample she sent to America confirmed it. Eivind didn’t see how her newfound identity as 3.1% Sami connected to mind-expanding substances and unrelated exotic rituals, but tried to be supportive. As she became increasingly militant, she saw how climate change was hurting indigenous people. Inuit starving as seals vanish. Melting ice ruining reindeer pastures. Aborigines dying of skin cancer from the hole in the ozone. Eivind could forget about flying to New York. She made them live more sustainably. He could always do better. Study the ingredients more closely. Consider the environmental impact of his purchases. Plastic is killing the oceans. Norwegian cod was ferried to China and back. Cobalt mining was destroying the Congo. Batteries had blood on their hands. The sum of Western guilt sat beside him on the couch. Went to bed with him at night. Everything was weighed against the greater cause. He felt he was betraying Sunniva. Betraying the Sami people. Felt like the world’s worst person, but couldn’t resist.
Later she said that was the precise moment she fell in love with him.
Julie disappointed herself. This used to be easy. She was still among the top students, but there were too many interruptions, updates, feeds, unsolvable global problems. She sensed a gnawing unease she had tried to suppress by cramming by drowning it in digital interference. This was wrong. This wasn’t her. She’d chosen medicine because it was so hard to gain admission. Where her excellent grades actually meant something. But then she had a revelation. Her passion had always been the soul. The mind, not the body.
She observed her fellow students. Norway’s future spiritual advisers. Mostly girls with borderline eating disorders.
Eivind didn’t want kids either. Climate researchers foresaw hard times for future generations. Overpopulation was the reason everything was falling apart. Julie liked how this pessimism added depth to his cheerful nature.
