And after the awful deed is done, he finds that he’s plagued by deep-rooted guilt. Little sparks of his religious background which he’d rejected are suddenly stirred up. He hears his father’s voice. He imagines that God is watching his every move. Suddenly, it’s not an empty universe at all, but a just and moral one, and he’s violated it. Now, he’s panic-stricken. He’s on the verge of a mental collapse-an inch away from confessing the whole thing to the police. And then one morning, he awakens. The sun is shining, his family is around him and mysteriously, the crisis has lifted. He takes his family on a vacation to Europe and as the months pass, he finds he’s not punished. In fact, he prospers. The killing gets attributed to another person-a drifter who has a number of other murders to his credit, so I mean, what the hell? One more doesn’t even matter. Now he’s scott-free. His life is completely back to normal. Back to his protected world of wealth and privilege.
I remember my father telling me, “The eyes of God are on us always.” The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God’s eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence I made my specialty ophthalmology.
It’s my fault. I instigated it. I prolonged it. Many times I tried to back off, but, I was too weak. But, I promised her nothing. Or, did I? See, I don’t even know anymore. In the heat of passion you say things. All I know is after two years of shameful deceit, where I lead this double life, I awakened as if from a dream and realize what I’d been losing.
You know, I kidded myself about loving her; but, deep down I knew, knowing I needed her selfishly, for pleasure, for adventure, for lust.
You’ve seen too many movies. I’m talking about reality. I mean, if you want a happy ending, you should go see a Hollywood movie.
Jack lives in the real world. You live in the kingdom of heaven. I’d managed to keep free of that real world but suddenly it’s found me.
So this is it? Right? This is what you plan on doing? You’re going to hold on to me with threats, right? Stupid threats and slander! This is your idea of love, right?
