Frank Costello Monologues

The COPS… are saying he’s a cop… so I won’t look for the cop. Are you soft, Fitz? When I tell you… to dump a body in the marsh, you dump him IN the marsh. Not where some guy from John Hancock goes every Thursday, TO GET A FUCKING BLOWJOB!

Don’t laugh! This ain’t Reality TV!

I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me. Years ago we had the church. That was only a way of saying – we had each other. The Knights of Columbus were real head-breakers; true guineas. They took over their piece of the city. Twenty years after an Irishman couldn’t get a fucking job, we had the presidency. May he rest in peace. That’s what the niggers don’t realize. If I got one thing against the black chappies, it’s this – no one gives it to you. You have to take it.

One of us had to die. With me, it tends to be the other guy.

I got this rat, this gnawing, cheese eating fuckin’ rat and it brings up questions… You know, see, Bill, like you’re the new guy. Girlfriend… Why don’t you stay in the bar that night I got your numbers. Social Security numbers. Everybody’s fuckin’ numbers.

The only one that can do what I do is me. Lot of people had to die for me to be me. You wanna be me?

Heavy lies the crown… sort of thing.

I’m concerned about a Chinaman who thinks it’s wise to come to a business transaction with automatic weapons.

For his own good, tell Bruce Lee and the Karate Kids none of us are carrying automatic weapons. Because here – in this country… it don’t add inches to your dick. You get a life sentence for it.

What we generally do – in this country… is one guy brings the items and the other guy pays him. No tickee, no laundry!

You know, if your father were alive, and saw you here sitting with me, let’s say he would have a word with me about this. In fact, he’d kill seven guys just to cut my throat, and he could do it. That’s maybe something you don’t know about William Costigan, Sr.

No. He kept his own counsel. He never wanted money. You can’t do anything with a man like that. You’re Uncle Jackie – he also would kill my entire fucking family if he saw me here with you. And I think about this.

Did you ever think about going back to school?

When you decide to be something, you can be it. That’s what they don’t tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I’m saying to you is this: when you’re facing a loaded gun, what’s the difference?

I’ll get you the records and what not. But listen to me, son. Don’t disappoint me on this or some other guy will be putting their fat cock up little Miss Freud’s ass.

It makes me curious to see you in this neighborhood. And if I can slander my own environment, it makes me sad. This, uh, regression. Plus, I don’t know if it’s beyond some fucking cop prick like Queenan to pull you out of the Staties and send you gift-wrapped to me. I just can’t know. I wonder what they do in that particular department, anyway.

Church wants you on your place. Kneel, stand, kneel, stand. If you go for that sort of thing, I don’t know what to do for you. A man makes his own way. No one gives it to you. You have to take it. “Non serviam.”

Smart, Colin. Guineas from the north and down Providence try to tell me what to do. And, uh, something maybe happen to them. Maybe, uh, like that.

But Colin – I hope I don’t have to remind you that if you don’t find that cheese-eating rat bastard in your department, most likely it won’t be me who suffers for it.

Maybe because it’s always been so easy for me to get cunt, that I never understood jacking off in a theater.

If these chinks wanna nuke Taiwan anytime in this century, they better shape up and show me $1 million dollars! What we generally do – in this country – is one guy brings the items, and the other guy pays him. “No tickee, no laundry”!

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