Dirk Diggler Monologues

What can you expect when you’re on top? You know? It’s like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it’s history repeating itself all over again.

You’re not the boss of me, Jack. You’re not the king of Dirk. I’m the boss of me. I’m the king of me. I’m Dirk Diggler. I’m the star. It’s my big dick and I say when we roll.

Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don’t fuckin’ get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin’ money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We’re guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!

I’ve been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I’ve been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo’s place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I’ve been there. We’ve all done bad things. We’ve all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I’m going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don’t know. But I’m going to have to settle this. First we’re going to check the hole and see what we can find. We’re going to get nice and wet, and you’re going to spread your legs. Oh, that’s good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don’t treat you gently. That’s right. I’m Brock Landers. So I’m going to be nice. So I’m going to be nice. So I’m going to be nice, I’m going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?

Well, yeah, this is like – um – imported Italian nylon. And its like a special edition, limited silk print. And it was done by this really famous – um – design artist, from Italy.

Blocking an idea or a movement, you know. Jack will put the final touches together for what the camera needs for editing and stuff, but, um, you know, he allows me to block my own sex scenes, and, you know, give me the freedom to develop the character and stuff like that. God, I don’t know any other, you know, director who would let an actor, you know, do that. You know?

I’ve gotten thousands upon thousands of letters, you know, from people telling me, “God, you’ve taught me this and you’ve made our love life so much better.” And this isn’t, you know, go out and have sex with ten million people and, you know, how to get a girl off. It’s about how to get your wife off. You know, if only, you know, people could have been doing this before, we could have a million relationships. You know, I’ve saved thousands.

I only am who I am because I was born that way. I have a gift and I am trying to not be selfish about it but to use it. Okay? And if you want to knock me for that, it’s your own problem. Okay? Jealousy will get you nowhere. I’m gonna keep rockin’ on!

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