Dick Cheney Monologues

I can feel your incriminations and your judgment, and I am fine with that. You want to be loved? Go be a movie star. The world is as you find it. You’ve gotta deal with that reality that there are monsters in this world. We saw 3,000 innocent people burned to death by those monsters, and yet you object when I refuse to kiss those monsters on the cheek and say “pretty please.” You answer me this, what terrorist attack would you have let go forward so you wouldn’t seem like a mean and nasty fella? I will not apologize for keeping your family safe. And I will not apologize for doing what needed to be done so that your loved ones could sleep peaceably at night. It has been my honor to be your servant. You chose me. And I did what you asked.

Well, George, I, uh… I’m a CEO… of a large company. And I have been Secretary of Defense… and I have been White House Chief of Staff. The Vice Presidency is a mostly symbolic job.

However, if we came to a, uh… different… understanding… I can handle the more mundane… jobs. Overseeing bureaucracy… military… energy… and, uh… foreign policy.

Has blindness usurped vision in you, my wife? No mere treaty is our union. Thou shared thy torch’s flame with mine. Revealing halls and spires… of long faded empires. And now, I may hold aloft mine own fiery cresset. And make flesh our bond of power.

We, uh, have found some very interesting candidates. Um, if we could schedule a three-hour window to get through…

No. I’m CEO of a large company. I have been, uh, Secretary of Defense. I have been Chief of Staff. Uh, the vice presidency is mostly a symbolic job.

However… the vice presidency is also defined by the president. And if were to come to a, uh… different understanding…

I sense that, uh, you’re a kinetic leader. You make decisions based on instinct.

Yeah, yeah. Very different. Very different from, uh, from your father in that regard. Now, maybe I can, uh, handle the more mundane jobs. Overseeing bureaucracy, managing military, uh, energy, uh, foreign policy.

One more thing. My daughter, Mary.

Now, I know you have to, uh, run against, uh, gay marriage in the South, Midwest, and, uh…

But it’s my daughter, and that line is drawn in concrete.

He wants to impress his father… more than anything.

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