I don’t know… It’s very strange not feeling that stupid panic thing inside you all the time. Without that you just start thinking about yourself, and what does that ever get anybody? Today, on the bus there was this adorable couple and I felt myself giving them a dirty look. I had no idea everything was…
…Moving in the wrong direction. Away from when I even remembered what it was like to have a man to… anything… hold fucking – sorry – hands with, for Christ’s sake. I was feeling, like, really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to. Like the poor kid doesn’t have enough problems, he has to make up for his mom not getting any. Oh, boy. Who needs these thoughts?
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life which you won’t read is that somehow you’ve done more for my mother, my son and me, than anyone else ever has… And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I’ve ever met and that you be in our daily prayers forever. I also wrote one part… I wrote, “I’m sorry”… I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you when you came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back so I wrote that I was sorry for busting you on that… and I’m sorry for busting in on you that night… when I said I was never… I was sorry and I’m sorry every time your food was cold and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler… and I’m sorry for never spotting, right there at the table in the restaurant, the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us… You know what, I’m just going to start from the beginning… I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you… even as I look at the word “grateful” now it doesn’t begin to tell you what I feel for you…
