Bennett Holiday Monologues

Provided the government approves the merger.

We’re looking for the illusion of due diligence, Mr. Pope.

Lawyers are saying, “Hey if you can’t trust a Big 5 accounting firm.” And the accountants are saying, “Hey we aren’t lawyers.” Legal didn’t understand. Accounting didn’t understand. And nobody understood anything. The regulatory bodies had to scratch their heads for a minute that nobody at Connex or Killen was at fault. But this merger is so balance-positive for American consumers that ultimately Justice wants it. Federal Courts wants it. Everybody wants it. Our real client, is, after all, us, the American people and we are increasing American access to oil in Kahazakstan. So all they ask is that we give them a little something meaningful – which we did – and they got out of our way.

Unfortunately, yes. And the best option seemed to be a secret deal for a excess Iranian pipeline capacity that I uncovered during the diligence. A little side deal benefiting the lead lawyer involved in the Connex-Killen merger approval process.

And it is illegal to offer gifts, money, the promise of money or anything of value to influence foreign officials.

Come on, man. Leave the beer.

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