You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
I think we’ve corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Yes, you are! That’s what I like about you, okay? And I don’t want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
Yeah, the ellipsis, it’s dumb. It’s dumb. It’s an awful idea. I’m not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I’m in love with you… I think that’s the only thing I’ve ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I’m really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don’t want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love… this is love.
This isn’t a conversation about this being over, it’s, it’s… I’m not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I’m putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I’m- I’m- I’m worried that if I don’t figure myself out, if I don’t go like land on my own two feet, then I’m just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go… you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.
It’s amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.
That actually made me sadder than anything: the fact that I felt so numb.
I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That’s what I think. That’s what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I’m not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that… for that I’m here to forgive you. You’ve always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it’s pain.
This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don’t think it’s too much to take on, because it’s everything there is. I see now it’s all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let’s just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
You changed my life. You changed my life, and I’ve known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.
I just know this guy Jesse who bought this mansion that’s right up here and we wants me to come visit him, but I don’t want to stay very long. So I was thinking if you came too I could just say I have to take you home when I’m ready to go.
No, come on, it’s not like that. It will be fun. I’ll tell you what, we could have a signal. Like when you pull on your ear that’s the code and then I’ll be like, oh I gotta take her home. And then we’ll go.
I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.
It was a complete freak accident, you know? It’s one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day… I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because.
Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It’s really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.
So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down.
I don’t want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.
This isn’t a conversation about this being over. I’m not like, putting a period at the end of this. I’m putting like… an ellipsis on it.
The Wailing Wall. It’s like the most holy place for Jews to go an pray in Israel. It’s all that’s left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.
No, I’m not. I mean I’m Jewish but I’m not really Jewish. I don’t do anything Jewish. I don’t go to temple or anything. But I don’t know any Jews who go to temple. The Jews I know only go on one day which is Yom Kippur. The day of repentance.
Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls so that one the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?
When were we all ever happy, dad? When? You always say that. When was that, when was that? When was this time that you have in your mind when we were all so happy? Because I don’t have it in my memory. Maybe if I did, I could help steer us back there but I just- Look, you and I need to work on being okay if that’s not in the cards for us.
What I did. Okay, let’s do it. Okay, we’re here, right. Let’s do it. I’m going to forgive myself for what I did. Are you ready? I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That’s what I think. That’s what I think about the whole thing, okay? And I’m not going to take those drugs anymore because they left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I’ve experienced in my life, okay? And for that… For that, I’m here to forgive you. You’ve always said all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe what mom wanted more than anything was for it all to be over. And for me, what I want more than anything in the world, is for it to be okay with you for me to feel something again; even if it’s pain.
This is my life, dad. This is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so no, no, I don’t think it’s too much to take on because it’s everything there is. I see now it’s all there is. You and I are going to be okay, you know that right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be but… for the first time, let’s just allow to be whatever it is that we are. And that’ll be better, okay? I think that’ll be better.
Dude, we’ve been patient all day but it’s my last day in town and you haven’t told us what we’re doing. I mean, if you had told me we’d be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would’ve passed.
They sent me away to boarding school. Sent me away makes it sound like they sent me to an asylum. There were no straps involved.
Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger and I’ve been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16 my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn’t the best environment for me to be growing up in, so he sent me to boarding school. And I haven’t been home since.
