Al Capone Monologues

I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!

S’alright. I grew up in a tough neighborhood and we used to say “You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.”

A man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork… Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don’t field… what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I’m goin’ out there for myself. But… I get nowhere unless the team wins.

I’m gonna tell you something. Somebody messes with me, I’m gonna mess with with him. Somebody steals from me, I’m gonna say you stole. Not talk to him for spitting on the sidewalk. Understand? Now, I have done nothing to harm these people but they are angered with me, so what do they do, doctor up some income tax, for which they have no case. To speak to me like me, no, to harass a peaceful man. I pray to god if I ever had a grievance I’d have a little more self respect. One more thing, you have an all out prize fight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. And that’s how you know who won.

Well, I’ll tell ya, you know, it’s touching. Like a lot of things in life, we laugh because it’s funny and we laugh because it’s true. Now, some people will say – reformers, they’ll say, ‘Put that man in jail! What does he think he is doing?’ Well, what I hope I’m doing, and here’s where your English paper’s got a point, is – I’m responding to the will of the people.

People are gonna drink! You know that, I know that, we all know that, and all I do is act on that. And all this talk of bootlegging – what is bootlegging? On a boat, it’s bootlegging. On Lake Shore Drive, it’s hospitality. I’m a businessman!

When you got an all-out prizefight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. ‘N’ that’s how you know who won.

Yes! There is violence in Chicago. But not by me, and not by anybody who works for me, and I’ll tell you why because it’s bad for business.

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