Zach Galifianakis Monologues

I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

World War II.

No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Can I ask you another question?

You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?

Did, umm… did Caesar live here?

I didn't think so.

Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.