Woody Harrelson Monologues

'Never argue with an idiot, they'll only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.' Mark Twain.

'Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of a cancer cell.'

'How people perceive themselves is nothing that interests me.. There are very few that are gonna look in the mirror and say: The person I see is a savage monster. Instead, they make up some construction that justifies what they do.'

'Freedom in capitalist society always remains about the same as it was in ancient Greece. Freedom for slave owners.'

You're going to like this one: 'The last capitalist we hang will be the one who sold us the rope.' Karl Marx.

'My government murdered Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Bobby Kennedy, and John F. Kennedy.. My government overthrew good, honest, democratic leaders of the people in Chile, Venezuela, Argentina, Peru, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, and Bolivia. Along with Britain, we carved up the Middle East, creating artificial geographical boundaries and installing puppet dictators.'

'War itself became our most lucrative industry. Every bomb that's dropped, somebody makes a million dollars. You don't have to know where those bombs are exploding. You don't have to see the grieving mothers and the mangled bodies of their children.'

'Eugene Debs gave this speech in Canton, Ohio, in 1918: "Throughout history wars have been waged for conquest and plunder... The master class has always declared the wars. The subject class has always fought... They've taught you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command... When Wall Street says war, the press says war."'

'And I recall, I was seven years old walking into the kitchen to find my mother crying inconsolably: Martin Luther King had been shot. Two months later, she was crying again: Bobby Kennedy was killed. I couldn't know then what I know now, that the invisible thread connecting Martin Luther King, the Kennedy brothers, and Malcolm X, was that in each case, my government had their finger on the trigger.'

My Darling Anne, There's a longer letter in the dresser drawer I've been writing for the last week or so, that one covers us, and my memories of us, and how much I've always loved you. This one just covers tonight, and more importantly, today. Tonight I have gone out to the horses to end it. I cannot say sorry for the act itself, although I know for a short time you will be angry at me, or even hate me for it. Please don't. This is not a case of, I came in this world alone and I'm goin' out of it alone, or anything dumb like that. I did not come in this world alone, my mom was there. And I am not goin' out of it alone, 'cause you were there, drunk on the couch, making Oscar Wilde cock jokes. No, this is a case, in some senses, of bravery. Not the bravery of facing a bullet down. The next few months of pain would be far harder than that small flash. No, it's the bravery of weighing up the next few months of still being with you, still waking up with you, of playing with the kids... Against the next few months of seeing in your eyes how much my pain is killing you. How my weakened body, as it ebbs away, and you tend to it, are your final and lasting memories of me. I won't have that. Your final memories of me will be us at the riverside, and that dumb fishing game, which I think they cheated at. And me inside of you, and you on top of me... And barely a fleeting thought, of the darkness yet to come. That was the best Anne. A whooole day of not thinking about it. Dwell on this day baby, 'cause it was the best day of my life. Kiss the girls for me, and know that I've always loved you... And maybe I'll see ya again if there's another place, and if there ain't... Well, it's been heaven knowing you. Your Boy, Bill

Dear Mildred, Dead Man Willoughby here. Firstly, I wanted to apologize for dyin' without catchin' your daughter's killer. It's a source of great pain to me and it would break my heart to think you thought I didn't care. 'Cause I did care. There are just some cases, where you never catch a break. Then 5 years down the line, some guy hears some other guy braggin' about it in a barroom or a jail cell. The whole thing is wrapped up through sheer stupidity. I hope that might be true for Angela, I really do. Second, I got to admit Mildred, the billboards were a great fucking idea. They were like a chess move. And although they had absolutely nothing to do with my dyin'... I will assume almost everyone in town will assume that they did. Which is why, for Willoughby's counter-move, I decided to pay the next month's rent on 'em. I thought it'd be funny, you having to defend them a whooole 'nother month after they've stuck me in the ground. The joke is on you Mildred. Ha ha, and I hope they do not kill you. So good luck with all that, and good luck with everything else too. I hope and I pray that you get him.

Jason, Willoughby here. I'm dead now, sorry about that. There's something I wanted to say to you that I never really said when I was alive. I think you've got the makings of being a really good cop, Jason, and you know why? Because, deep down, you're a decent man. I know you don't think I think that, but I do, dipshit. I do think you're too angry though, and I know it's all since your dad died and you had to go look after your mom and all, but as long as you hold on to so much hate, then I don't think you're ever going to become, what I know you want to become - a detective. 'Cause you know what you need to become a detective? And I know you're gonna wince when I say this, but what you need to become a detective is love.

Because through love comes calm, and through calm comes thought. And you need thought to detect stuff sometimes, Jason. It's kinda all you need. You don't even need a gun. And you definitely don't need hate. Hate never solved nothing, but calm did. And thought did. Try it. Try it just for a change. No one'll think you're gay. And if they do, arrest 'em for homophobia! Won't they be surprised! Good luck to you, Jason. You're a decent man, and yeah you've had a run of bad luck, but things are gonna change for you. I can feel it.

I'd do anything to catch the guy who did it, Mrs. Hayes, but when the DNA don't match no one who's ever been arrested, and when the DNA don't match any other crime nationwide, and there wasn't a single eyewitness from the time she left your house to the time we found her, well... right now there ain't too much more we could do.

If you got rid of every cop with vaguely racist leanings, then you'd have three cops left, and all o' them are gonna hate the fags, so what are ya gonna do, y'know?

You don't want to quit me, I'm your dream client: I'm the most fun, I'm rich, and I'm always in trouble.

Eight million people buy it, and no one reads. Gentleman... Playboy is mocking you.

I think the real obscenity comes from raising our youth to believe that sex is bad and ugly and dirty, and yet it is heroic to go spill guts and blood in the most ghastly manner in the name of humanity.

If the First Amendment will protect a scumbag like me, it will protect all of you.

Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one.

You get the fuck out of my building. Doug get him out of here. You blow dried jerk mother fucker. Take him out of here and throw him in the incinerator, cut him to little pieces and feed him to the animals out there. Get out of here.

Look, we're not running a flower shop here. We're selling the girl. So stop playing with all the props and pillows and flowers and just shoot the girl.

There, that's exactly what we want, that's perfect a woman's vagina has just as much personality as her face.

I turned the whole world into a tabloid.

These are my friends - lots of money, lots of friends.

What is more obscene: Sex or war?

No but I don't think they had Playboy in mind or people either for that matter because I saw a couple of four letter words in there a few weeks back.

No that's just the disguise for censorship. This country belongs to me just as much it belongs to you, if you don't like Hustler Magazine, don't read it.

If a kid gets caught drinking beer in a tavern, we don't ban Budweiser across the nation.

Murder is illegal but if you take a picture of somebody committing the act of murder they'll put you on the cover of Newsweek, you might even win a Pulitzer Prize and yet sex is legal everybody is "doing it" or everybody wants to be "doing it". Yet if you take a picture of two people in the act of sex or if you take a picture of a woman's naked body and they'll put you in jail. Now I have a message for all you good moral Christian people who are complaining that breasts and vaginas are obscene, but don't complain to me, complain to the manufacturer and Jesus told us not to judge, I know you're going to judge anyway so judge sanely, judge with your eyes open. Politicians and demigods like to say sexually explicit material corrupts the youth of our country yet they lie, cheat, steal and start unholy wars. I think the real obscenity comes from raising our youth to believe that sex is bad and ugly and dirty yet it is growing, To go spill guts and blood in the most ghastly manner in the name of humanity. With all the taboos attached to sex it's no wonder we have the problems we have, it's no wonder why we're angry and violent genocidal.

I don't have to. It may be wrong in some people's opinion to portray women the way I have, but it's not illegal it may not be the smartest thing to have too much to drink but it's not illegal. Abortion may be more morally "repugnant" but right now but it's not illegal. If you want to change the law that's another discussion but our right to decide for ourselves cannot be restricted. George Orwell said," if liberty means anything it means the right to tell people what they don't want to hear", America is the strongest country in the world today only because it is the freest country and if it ever loses its sight on its basic heritage and the principles involved then we will no longer be free

Give a big hand to Alison from Tennessee

thank you Jimmy I don't know if all of you feel the way I do right now but we deliver the finest ladies in southern Ohio don't you think? And now give a warm welcome to Hilary and Melissa they're here all the way from Paris and London... Kentucky.

Good hardworking news dealers are being threatened and intimidated: if that's not censorship I don't know what is. What we're going to do is I'm going to pay this news dealer one thousand dollars. I am renting this store for the next twenty fours. I am in charge now and if anybody wants to purchase a copy of Hustler Magazine

Yes you can sir, here is the Hustler Magazine I'm selling to this gentleman

Vicki Morgan was Alfred Bloomingdale's mistress and Alfred introduced her to all of Reagan's cabinet buddies and she was a real party girl and they really liked her if you know what I mean: the thing about Vicki she was a little bit "naïve" and she started writing a book about these orgies they were having and then next thing she's murdered but what these white house killers don't realize that Vicki kept some videotapes of these orgies and these videotapes are pure carnality, filthy I have never seen anything, well I have but most people haven't.

Technically nothing but I had those tapes and this tape and it made me think of it

There will no more photo spreads of women alone from now on. Sex will be presented in a more natural setting with the man in the picture: a Genesis pictorial for example, Adam and Eve "getting it on" in the Garden of Eden and next month I'd like to have pretty girls floating on big glass crucifixes