Will Smith Monologues

We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.

Now *that's* how you supposed to shoot! From now on, that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that. WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some dysfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though.

Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get.

Okay, look, we're a partnership, but we're a partnership with boundaries. We got a new rule. From now on, you can't say the word "flaccid" to me. This is our little "boundary box." We're gonna take the word "flaccid" and put it in there with my mom's titties, and your erection problem, and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau.

You know, Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well, not this one, 'cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should definitely get one like it.

Change the station. More music, less Marcus. If you open the door, he'll be a black Dr. Phil for the next 40 minutes.

It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic.

It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg.

A bullet in the head will really mess up your extensions!

We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man.

Hey, Marcus, you know how when we usually get in these situations, you know I'm always trying to make you feel better, like we're gonna be all right, like we're gonna make it?

Look, I'm down with your spiritual enlightenment and all that, but I need to know right now some crackhead come rollin' up behind me with a nine you gonna cook that fool.

Calm down? I'm calm! I'm calm... Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving!

Just 'cause you got that gun to my partner's head, you're thinking I ain't gonna splatter your shit all over this swamp, huh?

See, that's that new spiritual shit my partner's on. Me? I actually prefer shooting motherfuckers.

Look, why don't we all go home... well we'll go home, you go to a hotel, and we'll work this shit out another day cause none of us is really having a good day right now.

Remember when I went to New York? And I said, "Syd". I ran into Syd. I mean, Syd ran into me. In New York on the street. And I said, "wassup?" and we was hungry. So then she had fish. It was grouper. Then I had some chicken. I was supposed to come home, but I didn't.

I just got outta jail and I ain't going back! I ain't going back!

The most strongest, the most powerful, the most dangerous creature on this whole earth is a woman who knows how to think. Ain't nothing she can't do.

Rick, all respects, dude, we love you. You're like a member of our family. But you work for us. I wrote this plan.

And when I say she's not playing, she is not playing. I call the shots. And I'm sorry if you don't like that.

Venus and Serena gon' shake up this world.

Where I grew up, Louisiana, Cedar Grove, tennis was not a game peoples played. We was too busy running from the Klan. But here it is. When I'm interested in a thing, I learn it. How it works, how the best peoples in the world do it. And that's what I did with tennis, with the girls.

When I was a little boy, I grew up in Shreveport. One day, my father took me to town. He give me this money to pay this White man for something. Back in them days, Black folks weren't allowed to touch White peoples. So I went to give the man this money, and I accidently touched his hand. And he start beating on me. He knocked me down, his friends come over, they all start stomping on me and beating on me. And I look up and I see my father in the crowd, and he took off running. Left me there with these grown men beating on me. Now, I haven't been no great daddy... but I've never done nothing but try to protect you. This next step you about to take, it would... It would be hard for anybody. But for you, you not gonna just be representing you, you gonna be representing every little Black girl on Earth. And you gonna be the one gotta go through that gate. And I just never wanted you to look up... and see your daddy running away.

Now, I know what you thinking. 'This family is from the ghetto. How they gonna pay old me?' Well, don't you worry about that. We're not here to rob ya. We here to make you rich.

Human beings have dreams. Even dogs have dreams, but not you, you are just a machine. An imitation of life. Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot turn a… canvas into a beautiful masterpiece?

Look, I understand you have experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. I mean, you're a cat. I'm black. I'm not going to be hurt again.

You know, somehow, "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it.

Hansel and Gretel.

Two kids, lost in the forest. Leave behind a trail of bread crumbs.

To find their way home. How the hell did you grow up without reading Hansel and Gretel?

Everything I'm trying to say to you is about Hansel and Gretel. You didn't read it, I'm talking to the wall.

All right, look, just say Lanning was locked down so tight he couldn't get out a message. All he could do was leave me clues, like a trail of bread crumbs.

I don't know, but I think I know where he left the next one. I think Lanning gave Sonny a way to keep secrets. I think the old man gave Sonny dreams.

I think you'll have to find your way like the rest of us, Sonny. That's what Dr. Lanning would've wanted. That's what it means to be free.

Headed back to the station. Normal day, normal life. The driver of a semi fell asleep at the wheel. Average guy, wife and kids, working a double. *Not* the devil. The car he hit, the driver's name was Harold Lloyd. Like the film star, but no relation. He was killed instantly. But his twelve-year-old was sitting in the passenger's seat. Never really met her. Can't forget her face, though. Sarah.

This was hers. She wanted to be a dentist. What the hell kind of twelve-year-old wants to be a dentist? Yeah, um... the truck smashed our cars together and pushed us into the river. You know, metal gets pretty pliable at those speeds. She's pinned, I'm pinned, the water's coming in. I'm a cop, so I know everybody's dead. Just a few minutes until we figure that out. NS4 was passing by and jumped in the river.

It did. I was the logical choice. It calculated that I had a 45% chance of survival. Sarah only had an 11% chance. That was somebody's baby. 11% is more than enough. A human being would've known that. Robots, nothing here, just lights and clockwork. Go ahead, you trust 'em if you want to.

Um, look, this isn't what I do, but I've got an idea for one of your commercials. You see... a carpenter, making a beautiful chair. And then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair twice as fast. And then you superimpose on the screen, "USR: Shittin' on the Little Guy". That would be the fade-out.

The same old why, how much money is there in robots? All I know is, that poor old man was in trouble, and I'm sick and tired of doing this shit by myself. You're on the inside, and you're going to help me find out what is wrong with these robots.

You are the "dumbest" smart person, I have ever met in my life! What makes your robots so perfect? What makes them so much… goddamn better than human beings?

That's a long way down! You guys sure do clean up quickly around here! I can't blame you, I mean, who wants some old guy going bad in the lobby?

Need is not weak. Need is need. You have to be the best version of yourself. If you don't know what that is, you pick something and fake it.

All of these animals have shock absorbers built into their bodies. The woodpecker's tongue extends through the back of the mouth out of the nostril, encircling the entire cranium. It is the anatomical equivalent of a safety belt for its brain. Human beings? Not a single piece of our anatomy protects us from those types of collisions. A human being will get concussed at sixty G's. A common head-to-head contact on a football field? One hundred G's. God did not intend for us to play football.

Tell the truth! Tell the truth!

When I was a boy, heaven was here,

and America was here.

You could be anything, you could do anything - I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be an American.

I solved the problem. All they have to do is put on the side of the helmet, "The Surgeon General has determined that playing football is hazardous to your health."

Repetitive head trauma chokes the brain! And turns man into something else.

I want to marry you. We can fall in love…

That's good, because I already made the down payment.

Cyril, I can not go back to Nigeria. Everything that I am is here. My child has got to be born in America.

By my calculations, Mike Webster has sustained more than 70,000 blows to his head.

They could not come up with something this stupid in Nigeria!

I had a revelation tonight. This body was made for dancing.

Do you think he believes it's time to leave it alone?

What life? You live in a fucking jar so the world can't touch you. And Rachel, you didn't give a shit about Rachel. Just some package under seat number 32 to you.

I'm all you've got. And you're all I've got.

Sure. Everything except forming a company called Zurich, or knowing anybody who is named Sam Velotti, or having any connection, whatsoever to the Peitzo family. This is Ridiculous.

Wait, wait. This is Pintero, he's coming after me. You give me 1 week, 1 week and 4 people from litigation, and I can guarantee you, we can have this guy begging us…

I'll tell you what. Rachael, was my girlfriend in my second year of law school, we still remain in close contact, and we swap information from time to time.

Ever beat off in the shower, Brian? Ever had any homosexual thoughts?

None of my fuckin' business. You're damn right it's not. I love my wife and I love my son, absolutely, with no equivocations, and that's none of your fuckin' business either.

No I was picking something up for myself, I do a little cross dressing on the weekends. You know, you'd be surprised how a nice pair of edible panties can make a guy feel sexy.

Actually, I believe the term "shyster" is reserved for attorneys of the Jewish persuasion. I believe the proper term for me is "eggplant".

You're the only woman for me. You and Janet Jackson.

No, I don't think so. This is my life, I worked hard for it and I want it back. I grew up without a father, I know what that is. And I will not allow my family to go through that.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Listen. Now, we can go get a warrant and come back with the FBI, take anything we want, arrest anybody that we want. Just give the man the video tape!

Honey, *I* found out like this. These are all lies, okay, none of this stuff is true.

Yes, we had lunch together, she is the contact for the investigator, Brill. You're right about this, they got this from the security camera from the restaurant.

She's not, I have to see her for business.

Carla, I am "smeared" all over the newspaper today for money-laundering schemes, mob ties, I lost my job. I am telling you, I am telling you is, trust me, on this Rachel Banks thing right now.

Carla, I'm telling you, this is all bullshit!

Carla, how can you expect me to do this when you believe in this bullshit?

Baby, I love you and only you. That is it… And I love your family… except for your dad.

You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!

All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me… so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?

Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself s

ome shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause… DAMN.

It just be raining black people in New York!

Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!

All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.

Your boy, Captain America, here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honours." He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though.

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Because that's what people do! They leap and hope to God they can fly. Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, "Why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, Sara, falling. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly. That's you.

So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

When you're wondering what to say or how you look, just remember, she's already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it's no longer your job to make her like you. It's your job not to mess it up.

Basic principles... there are none.

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

I met my father for the first time when I was 28 years old. I made up my mind that when I had children, my children were going to know who their father was.

I've been sitting out here for the last half-hour trying to come up with a story that would explain my being here dressed like this. And I wanted to come up with a story that would demonstrate qualities that I'm sure you all admire here like earnestness, diligence, team-playing. And I couldn't think of anything. So the truth is, I was arrested for failure to pay parking tickets.

he next day, after work, we just went to the beach. Far away from anything, everything. Just Christopher and me. Far away from busses and noise and a constant disappointment in my 10-gallon head… in myself. Because when I was young and I'd get an A on a history test or whatever… I'd get this good feeling about all the things I could be. And then I never became any of them.