Val Kilmer Monologues

Okay Bill, I'm gonna tell you a story. It's a story called 'Wonderland'. Wonderland's the house everyone on the whole mountain hope's would burn down.

There's this house on Wonderland. The lease was in Joy's name. Joy Miller. She was a rich westie that got all junked up, got cancer, both breasts removed, still shooting junk. Her old man, Billy Deverll, is a kind of dumb hick who couldn't really make up his mind about anything without a guy like Ron Launius around to come up with an idea. Ronny's crazy and unpredictable, but always good with me until he got hooked up with one of the sleaziest scumbags to ever come down the pike. A dude from Sacramento... a biker. This guy is a stone cold killer, a liar, theft, and a rapist.

Five people are dead Sharon, they were murdered, up on Wonderland.

And those people at Wonderland? They'll never laugh at me again. They got theirs with a lead pipe, and I'm still here surviving.

Eddie, l'm not lying. You just got to give those fucking fucks back their fucking guns.

My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's probably calling the cops on you right now. Do this: wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.

You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.

Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said fuck so much.

I want you to picture a bullet in your head. Can you do that for me?

Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.

She opens the door, and she got nothing on but the radio. Yeah, invites me to sit down, sits on my lap, fires up a spliff.

Because its only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, Chief.

Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.

No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.

Why Ed does this mean we're not friends anymore? You know Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend… I just don't think I could bear it!

You're no daisy! You're no daisy at all. Poor soul, you were just too high strung.

Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty from it, don't look back. Live every second. Live right on to the end. Live Wyatt. Live for me. Wyatt, if you were ever my friend - if ya ever had even the slightest of feelin' for me, leave now. Leave now... Please.

Make no mistake, it's not revenge he's after. It's a reckonin'.

Forgive me if I don't shake hands.

Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread, / For he on honey-dew hath fed, / And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Sheriff, allow me to present a pair of fellow sophisticates. Turkey Creek Jack Johnson and Texas Jack Vermillion. Mind your ear, Creek.

Maybe poker's just not your game, Ike. I know: let's have a spelling contest.