Tom Cruise Monologues

My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?

You know, Bill, there's one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck, make your move."

It was great the way her mind worked. No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialities. Just the shameless pursuit of immediate gratification. What a capitalist.

The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are *you* doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined.

College women can smell ignorance… like dog shit.

It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word.

I don't think I'm gonna say 'What the fuck' anymore. This thing has gotten... WAY out of control. I'm Gonna kill Miles!

This was a great idea, Joel. Where else can you get a hot chocolate for $4?

Don't you know what it means to me to be a Marine, Dad? Ever since I was a kid I've wanted this - I've wanted to serve my country - and I want to go. I want to go to Vietnam - and I'll die there if I have to.

This place is a fuckin' slum!

I want my leg.

It's my leg! I want my leg, you understand? Can't you understand that? All's I'm sayin' is that I want to be treated like a human being! I fought for my country! I am a Vietnam veteran! I fought for my country!

And I think that I deserve to be treated... decent!

People say that if you don't love America, then get the hell out. Well, I love America.

I get $1700 a month from the government. I think I'm just going to lay low, and look around...

Sometimes, Stevie, I think people, they know you're back from Vietnam, and their face - changes: the eyes, the voice, the way they look at you, you know.

What do you mean, "we," Stevie? You were in college, man.

I had a mother; I had a father, things - things that made sense. Do you remember things that made sense? Things you could count on? Before we all got so lost? What are we gonna do, Charlie? What am I gonna do?

We went to Vietnam to stop communism!… We shell women and children!

That was the war, communism, the incidious evil! They told us to go.

Thou shalt not kill, Mom. Thou shalt not kill women and children! Thou shalt not kill! Remember? Isn't that what you taught us? Isn't that what they taught us?

They burned the flag and they demonstrated against us; it's on the cover of the paper today. They have no respect. They have no idea what's going on over there, Mom - the men that are sacrificing their lives. People are dying every day over there, and nobody back here even seems to care. It's a bunch of goddamn shit if you ask me!

I served my country - and they just want to take from it - just take, take! Love it or leave it, that's what I think.

When I was in the hospital, I thought, yeah - yeah, this makes sense.

Because I failed, Timmy.

Because I - I killed some - people; I made some terrible - mistakes!

Sometimes I wish, I wish I'd - The first time I got hit, I was shot in the foot. I could have laid down, I mean - who gives a fuck now if I was a hero or not? I was paralyzed, castrated that day; why? It was all so - stupid! I'd have my dick and my balls now, and some days, Timmy - some days I think I'd give everything I believe in - everything I got, all my values, just to have my body back again, just to be whole again. But I'm not whole; I never will be, and that's - that's the way it is, isn't it?

I'm a Vietnam veteran, I'm here tonight to say, this war is wrong, this government lied to me, lied to my brothers, the people in this country tricked us into going thirteen thousand miles to fight a war against poor peasant people who have a proud history of resistance who have been struggling for their own independence for one thousand years, the Vietnamese people, I can't find the words to express how the leadership of this country sickens me, people say "if you don't love America, then get the hell out," well I love America we love the people of America very much but when it comes to the government it stops right there, the government are a bunch of corrupt thieves, they are rapists and robbers, and we are here to say "we don't have to take it anymore", we are here to tell the truth, they are killing our brothers in Vietnam, this wheelchair, our wheelchairs, this steel, our steel is your Memorial Day on wheels, we are your Yankee Doodle Dandy come home.

Look in the mirror. Paper towels, clean cab. Limo company some day. How much you got saved?

Someday? Someday my dream will come? One night you will wake up and discover it never happened. It's all turned around on you. It never will. Suddenly you are old. Didn't happen, and it never will, because you were never going to do it anyway. You'll push it into memory and then zone out in your barco lounger, being hypnotized by daytime TV for the rest of your life. Don't you talk to me about murder. All it ever took was a down payment on a Lincoln town car. That girl,you can't even call that girl. What the fuck are you still doing driving a cab?

A guy gets on the MTA here L.A. and dies. Think anybody'll notice?

Get with it. Millions of galaxies of hundreds of millions of stars, in a speck on one in a blink. That's us, lost in space. The cop, you, me... Who notices?

Take comfort in knowing you never had a choice.

Okay, look, here's the deal. Man, you were gonna drive me around tonight, never be the wiser, but El Gordo got in front of a window, did his high dive, we're into Plan B. Still breathing? Now we gotta make the best of it, improvise, adapt to the environment, Darwin, shit happens, I Ching, whatever man, we gotta roll with it.

Most people - same job, same gig, doing the same thing 10 years from now. Us, we don't know what we are doing 10 minutes from now.

Max, I do this for a living!

Someday my dream will come. One night you'll wake up and you'll discover it never happened. It's all turned around on you and it never will. Suddenly you are old, didn't happened and it never will, 'cause you were never going to do it anyway.

You attract attention, you're going to get people killed who didn't need to be.

Only thing that didn't show up is the Polish cavalry.

You're alive. I saved you. Do I get any thanks? No. All you can do is clam up. You wanna talk? Tell me to fuck off?

I don't meet people. Risk management. Anonymity. I protect mine. You're not gonna' screw that up. I got a contract with they're bosses. These guys don't get to meet me. They don't know what I look like.

They will kill you. Now, you've got ten minutes. At 10:01 I drive to the hospital and execute your mother on my way out of town. And don't pretend indifference.

Don't get me cornered. You don't have the trunk space.

You got ten minutes. 10:01? I drive the cab to the hospital and execute your mother on my way out of town, and don't pretend indifference.

So this is the world, and there are almost six billion people on it. When I was a kid, there were three. It's hard to keep up.

I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?

I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game *featuring you*, while singing your own song in a new commercial, *starring you*, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not *sleep* until that happens. I'll give you fifteen minutes to call me back.

But if anybody else wants to come with me, this moment will be the ground floor of something real and fun and inspiring and true in this godforsaken business and we will do it together! Who's coming with me besides... "Flipper" here?

I'm finished, I'm fucked. Twenty-four hours ago, man, I was hot! Now... I'm a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I'm wearing, you like it? Because I don't really need it. Because I'm cloaked in failure! I lost the number one draft picked the night before the draft! Why? Let's recap: because a hockey player's kid made me feel like a superficial jerk. I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a conscience!

All right. I'll tell you why you don't have your ten million dollars yet. Right now, you are a paycheck player. You play with your head, not your heart. In your personal life, heart. But when you get on the field, it's all about what you didn't get, who's to blame, who under threw the pass, who's got the contract you don't, who's not giving you your love. You know what? That is not what inspires people. That is not what inspires people. Just shut up and play the game. Play it from your heart, and you know what? I will show you the quan. And that's the truth, man! That's the truth. Can you handle it? It's just a question between friends, you know? Oh, and when they call you "shrimp", I'm the one who defends you!

I'm the guy you don't usually see. I'm the one behind the scenes. I'm the sports agent, you those photos where the new player holds the team jersey and poses with the owner? Inside that building, that's where I work: S.M.I.,Sports Management International, thirty three out of shape agents, guiding the careers of one thousand five hundred eighty five of the most finely tuned athletes alive. I handle the lives and dreams of seventy two clients and I get an average of two hundred sixty four phone calls a day, that's what I do, this is what I do best, but I'll be honest with you. I started noticing a few years ago and I didn't say a word but the quest for the big dollars and a lot of the little things were going wrong, but lately, it's gotten worse who did I become? Just another shark in a suit?

America still sets the tone for the world of sports. In Indiana I signed Clark Hodd. He's only thirteen years old and is considered the best point guard in the country and last week he scored a hundred points in a single game. I also signed Erica Sorgi, you'll see her in the next Olympics. In Seattle I signed Dallas Malloy, she's sixteen years old and her lawsuit helped paved the way for women boxers everywhere. Whenever she fights she thinks about her ex-boyfriend. In Indio, California I signed Art Stallings, he plays the sport with what pure joy. In Odessa, Texas I signed the great Frank Cushman. This April, twenty-six teams will be falling all over themselves in order to sign him in the next NFL draft. He's my client, my most important client. Believe me, there's genius everywhere, but until they turn pro it's like popcorn in the pan: some pop, some don't.

Two days later at our corporate conference in Miami: a breakthrough, a breakdown? No, a breakthrough. I had so much to say and no one to listen and then it happened, an unexpected thing: I began writing what they call a "mission statement." Not a memo, a "mission statement", a suggestion for the future of our company. A night like this doesn't come around very often. I seized it. What started out as one page slowly became twenty-five. Suddenly, I was my father's son again. I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job: how I ended up here out of law school, the way a stadium sounds when one of my players performs well on the field, the way we are meant to protect them in health and in injury. With so many clients we've forgotten what's important. I wrote and wrote and wrote and I'm not even a writer. I was even remembering the original words of my mentor, the late, great Dicky Fox. Suddenly it was all clear: the answer was fewer clients and less money, giving more attention to them, caring for them, caring for ourselves. I'll be the first to admit it, what I was writing was somewhat "touchy feely". I didn't care, I had lost the ability to bullshit. It was the me I always wanted to be. I put the mission statement into a bag and took it to a Copy Mat in the middle of the night, printed a hundred and ten copies. Even the cover looked like The Catcher in the Rye. I entitled it, "The Things We Think And Do Not Say: The Future of our Business."

Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work and say no! You will not control me! No! You will not take my soul! No! You will not win this game! Because it's a game, guys. You want to think it's not, huh? You want to think it's not? Go back to the schoolyard and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane. Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!

Men are shit. What? Men… are… shit. What, isn't that what they say? Because we do bad things, don't we? We do horrible, heineous, heinous, terrible things. Things that no woman would ever do. No, women, they don't lie. No, women don't cheat. Women don't manipulate us. But you see what I'm getting at. You see what society does? Little boys, it's, "Wow, womaaaan!" We are taught to apologize. I am sorry. I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry. What is it that we need? Is it their pussies? Their love? Mommy wouldn't let me play soccer… and Daddy, he hit me, so that's who I am, that's why I do what I do? Fucking bullshit. I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for what I need. I will not apologize for what I want!

In this big game that we play, life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve, it's what you take. I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin and author of the Seduce and Destroy system now available to you on video and audio cassette. Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques to have any hardbody blonde just dripping to wet your dock. Bottom line? Language. The magical key to unlocking the female analytical mindset. Tap directly into her hopes, her wants, her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties. Learn how to make that lady "friend" your sex-starved servant. I don't care how you look. I don't care what car you drive. I don't care what your last bank statement says. Seduce and Destroy produces an instant money-back guarantee trance-like state that will get you this - naughty sauce you want fast. Hey - how many more times do you need to hear the all-too-famous line of 'I just don't feel that way about you?'

In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!

Do you think they're your friends? They're not your friends. Do you really think she'll be there when things go bad? Huh? When things go wrong? You think again. Fucking Denise. Denise the piece. Oh, you're gonna give me that cherry pie sweet mama baby.

You see the dilemma don't you. If you don't kill me, precogs were wrong and precrime is over. If you do kill me, you go away, but it proves the system works. The precogs were right. So, what are you going to do now? What's it worth? Just one more murder? You'll rot in hell with a halo, but people will still believe in precrime. All you have to do is kill me like they said you would. Except you know your own future, which means you can change it if you want to. You still have a choice Lamar. Like I did.

In 2054, the six-year Precrime experiment was abandoned. All prisoners were unconditionally pardoned and released, though police departments kept watch on many of them for years to come. Agatha and the twins were transferred to an undisclosed location, a place where they could find relief from their gifts. A place where they could live out their lives in peace.

Everyday for the last six years I've thought of only two things. The first is what Sean would look like if he were alive today, if I would recognize him if I saw him on the street, the second is what I would do to the man who took him if I ever found him. You're right... I'm not being set up.

Mr. Marks, by mandate of the District of Columbia Precrime Division, I'm placing you under arrest for the future murder of Sarah Marks and Donald Dubin that was to take place today, April 22 at 0800 hours and four minutes.

You have the right to remain slient. Anything you do and say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, we will appoint one. Do you understand these rights?

They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seem such discipline. I am surprised to learn that the word Samurai means, 'to serve', and that Katsumoto believes his rebellion to be in the service of the Emperor.

You want me to kill THE ENEMIES of Jappos, I'll kill THE ENEMIES of Jappos… Rebs, or Sioux, or Cheyenne… For 500 bucks a month I'll kill whoever you want. But keep one thing in mind: I'd happily kill you for free.

This is Katsumoto's sword. He would have wanted you to have it. He hoped with his dying breath that you would remember his ancestors who held this sword, and what they died for. May the strength of the Samurai be with you always.

Spring, 1877. This marks the longest I've stayed in one place since I left the farm at 17. There is so much here I will never understand. I've never been a church going man, and what I've seen on the field of battle has led me to question God's purpose. But there is indeed something spiritual in this place. And though it may forever be obscure to me, I cannot but be aware of its power. I do know that it is here that I've known my first untroubled sleep in many years.

Winter, 1877. What does it mean to be Samurai? To devote yourself utterly to a set of moral principles. To seek a stillness of your mind. And to master the way of the sword.

I know why you don't talk. Because you're angry. You're angry because they make you wear a dress. I just realized, I've been remiss. Forgive me, I forgot to thank you for protecting me yesterday. That is your job right? Protecting me. Well done 'Bob.' You don't mind if I call you Bob, do you? I knew a Bob once; God, he was ugly as a mule. Are you a ladies man, Bob?

I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore. My father cut me out of his will. You probably knew he tried to contact me over the years. I never called him back. I was a prick. If he was my son and didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out. But it's not about the money anymore. You know, I just don't understand. Why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that I had a brother? Because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just the past six days.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHERE YOU BUY UNDERWEAR? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? UNDERWEAR IS UNDERWEAR! IT IS UNDERWEAR WHEREVER YOU BUY IT! IN CINCINNATI OR WHEREVER!

You know what I think, Ray? I think this autism is a bunch of shit! Because you can't tell me that you're not in there somewhere!

I'm sorry ma'am, I lied to you. I'm very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch 'People's Court' in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.

I'll tell you a story about my father, that car in the garage, was off limits to me. He said it was a classic, it demands respect. One day, I'm a sophomore in high school, I bring home a report card, it's almost all A's so I go to the old man, ask him if I can take the car out as sort of a victory drive. He says no. So I stole the keys and snuck it out.

This is a good one. We don't go out when it rains, this is a real good one. I hope you appreciate this because my business is going down the fucking toilet. I should be in L.A., instead I'm in the Honeymoon Haven motel in Bumblefuck, Missouri because you won't go out when it rains. Mystifying. Fucking mystifying.

When I asked you a week ago, 'Why didn't anyone tell me I had a brother?', you didn't have an answer, I don't know. It's funny, I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore that my father cut me out of his will. You were his friend, you probably knew that he tried to contact me a few times over the years. I never called him back, I was a prick; and if he was my son, didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out, fuck him. But it's not about the money any more. It's about… you know, I… just don't understand why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't you tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me I had a brother? I mean… because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just these past six days.

Ray, you're never gonna solve it. It's not a riddle because Who *is* on first base. That's a joke, Ray, it's comedy, but when you do it you're not funny. You're like the comedy of Abbott and Abbott.

Small, and safe. Don't wanna miss the party. You know that, there's a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there'll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there's a party for you? Because you're the $3,000,000 man.

Now it's five and a half weeks and I'm still sitting on four Lamborghinis that can't meet spot emissions standards. Now, how many times you wash out with EPA?

Three times? You're really on a roll here, my friend; four cars, three times each - that's zip for twelve. What are you, a... mechanic, or a NASA engineer? Now listen, now, I told you I've never dealt with these Lamborghinis before, and yet you assured me that you can deliver these cars within that time frame. Don't, don't tell me that, 'cause I - I'm not even listening.