Steve Martin Monologues

Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got...

Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?

Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.

All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.

Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.

When you're reaching for a star, there's a long way to fall.

Sometimes I take a walk at night and I see couples walking, holding hands and I look at them and I think: "Why not me?" Then I catch my shadow on the wall…

I am in orbit around you, I am suspended weightless over you like the blue man in the Chagall, hanging over you in a delirious kiss.

You see, I am and I will always be the one who loved you without limits.

Yes, I have a friend who is looking for a cosmetic, or wondering if one exists, that's sort of a shading type of arrangement. Do you have anything like that, that would be in a… er, shading area?

ixie! Hi, how you doing, girl? Yeah, I'm on my way. I'll be there in about five minutes. I'm bringing it! I've only had it a year and a half, I told you I'd return it. OK. So long. Talk to you later. All right. All right. Bye.

I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's, it's, dare I say... genius? Ah, no, no! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it...

Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.

God dammit we're supposed to put them out! I have a dream, it's not a big dream it's a little dream. My dream, and I hope this doesn't sound too crazy, is that the people of this community would think that, God forbid there were a fire, calling the Fire Department would be a WISE THING TO DO! You can't have people when their houses are burning down, saying "Whatever you do, don't call the Fire Department!" That would be bad!

Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie till two years later?

That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.

You know what? I don't know anything about blackmail… 'cause I'm just a guy, a guy with a great film in the can. All I really need is a shot of Kit saying, "Gotcha, suckas" and a couple of close-ups. Or we've to tag our film with a shot of Kit wagging his thing at the Laker Girls. Which is a great ending. I mean, who wouldn't wanna see that? Although technically, it's not such a good ending for Kit… because it could sort of stop his money flow… and possibly make that family film he's about to do, just pff-ff!

Think of this as an errand. Your errand is to run across the freeway until I yell, "Cut!"

And why is this going to work? Because Afrim here is a damn fine screenwriter, as well as accountant and part time receptionist. I said to Afrim "If you can write half as well as you can add-" Well I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later he hands me this, this masterpiece. Afrim, tell them what it's called.

Let's try it one more time, uh, Slater, this time *without* the erection.

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.

We need a guy with a fabulous ass! And mine is the wrong color!

I'm 49 years old. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, maybe 38. But when you hit 50 they don't hire you anymore. It's like they can smell 50.

See that FedEx truck? Every day it delivers important papers to people all over the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we - and by we, I mean me - will be important.

I mean, at the end of this movie. When our hero, Keith Kincade, looks up at the alien anteanae and says "Gotcha suckas!"... I mean, that is a moment.

Today, I have a very important meeting with Jerry Renfro. If it goes the way I think its going to go, I will see you - at the Oscars.

That's right. So, so give her a little room, react normally, be sensitive above all; because, in this scene, Daisy's going to take off her blouse.

Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?

I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's *holding* her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.

All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms, I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too.

All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting.

Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

There comes a time in a person's life when it's now or never. It's now or never. Let me read to you from this book of poems: "O pointy birds, o pointy pointy. Anoint..."

Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey… life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.

There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.

Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

So there I was jabbering at her about my new job as a serious newsman - about anything at all - but all I could think was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful and yet again, wonderful.

When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn't for me anyway. The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV.

I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.

Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.

Well, maybe you think it's intellectual because you were raised with a banana and an inner tube… This is an intellectual-free zone.

You know, you're really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.

If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it's good to go over to your best friend's house and ruin her day too.

His name is - James. No. His name is - James Josephson. Oh, no, no! James Lawrence. Lawrence! Lawrence! Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings. Forest Lawrenceton. La - Lars. Lars! Lawrence. Lawrence Lacko. Lawrence. His name is James Jessenden. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Jesterton. Lawrence Jesterton.

I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!

And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!

Hello Boys. It was fun. I'll miss you. Love, Janet. The Jackal. P.S. I'm keeping the money. Is that wrong?

Of all the lousy - She is disgusting! She is lying! She is deceitful! She is two-faced! She is conniving and she is dishonest!

My grandmother is wonderful. She has a laugh that can make the birds sing. But she's been quite ill lately and the hospital bills have been adding up. I just wanna do my share. It's kinda tough for me because I was never very good with money. I just seem to take what the Red Cross pays me and I give it right back to them. But I am going to help my gram-gram. She is the one who taught me it is better to be truthful and good - than to not.

Listen. We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more prostate trouble. I say it's time for a change. I say let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while. That probably shocks a guy like you, right?

Look what I did in the dining car! She gave me 100 francs. That's like, uh, 20 bucks! Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for 20 bucks?

Oh, come on! She's keeping the mink. I mean, if we take her for everything, she still comes out with a very very nice mink.

You dirt-eating piece of slime! You scum-sucking pig! You son of a motherless goat!

In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!

Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains.

Reading telegram: "Three Amigos, Hollywood, California. You are very great. 100,000 pesos. Come to Santa Poco put on show, stop. The In-famous El Guapo."

100,000 pesos to perform with this El Guapo, who's probably the biggest actor to come out of Mexico!

My little Buttercup has the sweetest smile/ Dear little Buttercup, won't you stay a while?/ We'll settle down together in a cottage built for two/ Oh, Dear little Buttercup, I love you!

C'mon, everybody!

My little Buttercup has the sweetest…

Dear little Buttercup, won't you stay a…

We'll settle down together in a cottage built for two, ohh…

Little Buttercup!

Not so fast El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!

A car. A big, shiny silver car. I'll drive all over Hollywood. Show Flugleman a thing or two. What about you?

What we're talking about is money, real money, Amigo money. No dough, no show.

Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and… uh… my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi…

Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything. Except this.

And that's the only thing I need is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray… And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need… And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need… And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball… And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one… I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.

The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.

And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.

I don't need my dog.

I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.

"I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.

First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form… I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.

Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.

The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!

Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.

I know, I know, You belong to someone new, But tonight, you belong to me. Although, although, We're apart, you're part of my heart, And tonight, you belong to me. Way down by the stream, How sweet it would seem, Once more just to breathe in the moonlight my honey... I know, I know, With the dawn, that you will be gone, But tonight, you belong to me. Just little ol' me.

You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube,and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.

For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex! The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!

Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here... Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses... Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles... Anything in this three inches... Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.

I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one.