Reese Witherspoon Monologues

I don't know what you're referring to, but maybe if certain older, wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies and gotten so mushy, then everything would be OK.

And I think certain older people, like you and your colleague, shouldn't be leching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant. And they certainly shouldn't be making slanderous accusations, especially when certain young, naive people's mothers are paralegal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm, and have won many successful law suits. And if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present.

Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with you and ask for things, but now I really must insist that you help me win the election tomorrow because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn't, as you well know. I realize that it was your divine hand that disqualified Tammy Metzler and now I'm asking that you go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong so that I may carry out your will on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.

Yeah, but you know, Coca-Cola is by far the world's number one soft drink and they spend more money than anybody on advertising. I guess that's how come they stay number one.

You might think it upset me that Paul Metzler had decided to run against me, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me, it was like apples and oranges. I had to work a little harder, that's all. You see, I believe in the voters. They understand that elections aren't just popularity contests. They know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers own Metzler Cement and give them trucks on their 16th birthday and throw them big parties all the time. No, they don't ever have to work for anything. They think they can just, all of a sudden, one day out of the blue, waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked for VERY, VERY hard for their entire lives! No, didn't bother me at all!

Some people say I'm an overachiever, but I think they're just jealous.

None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny, that's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's just going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer.

One thing that's important to know about me is that I'm an only child, so my mom is really devoted to me. And I love her so much. She wants me to do all the things that she wanted to do in life but couldn't.

When I win the Presidency, we're gonna be spending a lot of time together... Lots and lots and lots of time. President and advisor. Harmonious and productive. Close and special. You and I.

Act surprised. Walk slowly to the podium. Be modest. Thank them for this incredible honour.

Now that I have more life experience, I feel sorry for Mr. McAllister. I mean, anyone who's stuck in the same little room, wearing the same stupid clothes, saying the exact same things year after year for his whole life, while his students go on to good colleges, move to big cities and do great things and make loads of money... He's got to be at least a little jealous. It's like my mom says, the weak are always trying to sabatoge the strong.

Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Carver also have an opportunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign, I've spoken with many of you about your many concerns. I spoke with Eliza Ramirez, a freshman, who says she feels alienated from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks, who said his mother works in the cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes.

It took me years to be the woman my mother raised. It took me 4 years, 7 months and 3 days to do it, without her. After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief, I found my own way out of the woods.

And I didn't even know where I was going until I got there, on the last day of my hike. Thankyou, I thought over and over again, for everything the trail had taught me and everything I couldn't yet know.

Now in 4 years, I'd cross this very bridge. I'll marry a man in a spot almost visible from where I was standing. Now in 9 years, that man and I would have a son named Carver and a year later, a daughter named after my mother, Bobbi. I knew only that I didn't need to eat with my bare hands anymore. That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water would be enough, that it was everything. My life, like all lives, mysterious, irrevocable, sacred, so very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was, to let it be?

Honestly? I'm lonelier in my real life than I am out here. I miss my friends, of course, but it's not as if I have anybody waiting for me at home. How about you?

Why are you here?

My mother used to say something that drove me nuts. There is a sunrise and a sunset every day and you can choose to be there for it. You can put yourself in the way of beauty.

"If your Nerve, deny you - Go above your Nerve" - EMILY DICKINSON and Cheryl Strayed.

What if I forgive myself? What if I was sorry? But if I could go back in time, I wouldn't do a single thing differently. What if I wanted to sleep with every single one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if all those things I did were the things that got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?

She died a famous woman, denying her wounds, denying her wounds came from the same source as her power.

Ash body. I prefer the ashes of the body. Soft and silver. As a pale light falling to earth.

Finish that sentence. Why do I have to walk 1000 miles?

I don't mind biting. Oh, my God. I can't believe I just said that. I'm so sorry. I've been on my own for a little while.

I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.

I object!

I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.

Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?

Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.

For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.

But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.

You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe...

I have a point, I promise.

Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?

Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?

And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?

You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.

Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.

… and that's why you should vote for me. Elle Woods: future lawyer for the class of 2004.

Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.

Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?

Well this is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.

Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.

And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.

Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?

It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.

Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.

She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?

The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.

It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin… to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".

Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.

All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.

Oh! And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think? Okay, well, see you next class!

Oh, Warner? Do you remember those four amazing hours we spent in the hot tub after Winter Formal?

This is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do!