Owen Wilson Monologues

You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.

I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.

Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.

It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.

I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.

What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.

The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!

I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.

Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.

Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um… make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.

I know, but the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a *small* thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I think you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly.

I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?

That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing Down Under with the Kiwis so everything's backwards. Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.

No, you can't, you couldn't pick one. I mean I can give you a checkmate argument for each side. You know, I sometimes think, how is anyone ever gonna come up with a book, or a painting, or a symphony, or a sculpture that can compete with a great city. You can't. Because you look around and every street, every boulevard, is its own special art form and when you think that in the cold, violent, meaningless universe that Paris exists, these lights, I mean come on, there's nothing happening on Jupiter or Neptune, but from way out in space you can see these lights, the cafés, people drinking and singing. For all we know, Paris is the hottest spot in the universe.

That's what the present is. It's a little unsatisfying because life is unsatisfying.

Adriana, if you stay here though, and this becomes your present then pretty soon you'll start imagining another time was really your… You know, was really the golden time. Yeah, that's what the present is. It's a little unsatisfying because life's a little unsatisfying.

Yes, but you're a surrealist! I'm a normal guy!

Thanks, I think you would like Inez she has a, a very sharp sense of humour and attractive, I wouldn't say that we agree on everything

Yeah, or actually maybe the small things, sometimes there is a little bit of a disconnect with the big things. She wants to live in Malibu and wants me to work in Hollywood… but i will say that we both like Indian food, not all Indian food, but the pita bread, we both like pita bread, I guess its called naan

500 francs for a Matisse? Yeah I think that sounds fair! You know, I wonder if actually I can pick up 6 or 7?

This is unbelievable! Look at this! There's no city like this in the world. There never was.

I don't get here often enough, that's the problem. Can you picture how drop dead gorgeous this city is in the rain? Imagine this town in the '20s. Paris in the '20s, in the rain. The artists and writers!

You're very kind, but I wouldn't call my babbling poetic. Although I was on a pretty good roll there.

They are your friends and I have to admit I'm not quite as taken with them as you are.

You know how I think better in the shower, get all those positive ions flowing.

I'm having trouble because I'm a Hollywood hack who never gave real literature a shot.

She's right, I recently read a two-volume biography of Rodin, and Rose was the wife, Camille the mistress.