Nathan Lane Monologues

That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?

You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!

Oh yes… Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

"You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."

Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.

Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?

My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."

Here I am! Oh, please forgive me for being so late, but the traffic was unbelievable. Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley, I'm so happy to meet you at last. And, oh... you must be Barbara. What a pretty child. Come here and give me a hug!

Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!