Michael Stuhlbarg Monologues

I don't want Santana Abraxis! I've just been in a terrible auto accident!

The Uncertainty Principle. It proves we can't ever really know... what's going on. So it shouldn't bother you. Not being able to figure anything out. Although you will be responsible for this on the mid-term.

Please. I need help. I've already talked to the other rabbis. Please. It's not about Danny's bar mitzvah - my boy Danny, this coming Shabbos, very joyous event, that's all fine. It's, it's more about myself, I've... I've had quite a bit of tsuris lately. Marital problems, professional, you name it. This is not a frivolous request. This is a ser- I'm a ser- I'm, uh, I've tried to be a serious man, you know? Tried to do right, be a member of the community, raise the- Danny, Sarah, they both go to school, Hebrew school, a good breakfast... Well, Danny goes to Hebrew school, Sarah doesn't have time, she mostly... washes her hair. Apparently there are several steps involved, but you don't have to tell Marshak that. Just tell him I need help. Please? I need *help*.

Well, you can't do physics without mathematics, really, can you?

You understand the dead cat? But… you… you can't really understand the physics without understanding the math. The math tells how it really works. That's the real thing; the stories I give you in class are just illustrative; they're like, fables, say, to help give you a picture. An imperfect model. I mean - even I don't understand the dead cat. The math is how it really works.

Well, I… I'm sorry, but I… what do you propose?

No no, I...

Well, the other students wouldn't like that, would they, if one student gets to retake the test till he gets a grade he likes?

No, I'm afraid…

No, that's just not workable. I'm afraid we'll just have to bite the bullet on this thing, Clive, and…

She seems to be asking an awful lot. But then, I don't know. Somebody has to pay for Sy's funeral.

His own estate is in probate, but why does it have to be me? Or is it wrong to complain? Judy says it is. But I'm so strapped for cash right now, carrying the mortgage, and paying for the Jolly Roger, and I wrecked the car, and Danny's Bar Mitzvah coming up, I…

I don't know where it all leaves me, Sy's death. Obviously it's not gonna go back like it was.

No, I- well, yeah… sometimes… or… I don't know; I guess the honest answer is "I don't know". What was my life before? Not what I thought it was. What does it all mean? What is Hashem trying to tell me, making me pay for Sy Ableman's funeral?

And did I tell you I had a car accident the same time Sy had his? The same instant, for all I know. I mean, is Hashem telling me that Sy Ableman is me? Or that we are all one, or something?

Well, you know, the way I look at it, it's an opportunity for me to really sit down and figure things out and look at the world afresh instead of just, you know, settling for the routine, tired old way of looking at things.

I feel like the carpet's been yanked out from under me.

We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!

Have I spoken out of turn? Then I'll say one more thing. It'll clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business, just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there's sorrow, pain. Don't kill it and with it the joy you've felt.

When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.

Oh no, no, no. He was more than intelligent. What you two had, had everything and nothing to do with intelligence. He was good. You were both lucky to have found each other, because you too are good.

I'm sure he'd say the same thing about you. Which flatters you both.

You're too old not to accept people for who they are. What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them? You call them Sonny and Cher behind their backs…

…and then accept gifts from them. The only person that reflects badly on is you. Is it because they're gay or because they're ridiculous?

Right now you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you never wanted to feel anything. And maybe it's not to me you'll want to speak about these things. But feel something you obviously did.

In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away. Pray their sons land on their feet, but... I am not such a parent.

Look, you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you.

There are four known sets, after the Praxiteles originals. This fellow's at number three. The Emperor Hadrian had a pair, dug up at Tivoli, but one of the more philistine of the Farnese Popes melted them down and had them recast as a particularly voluptuous Venus.