Michael Douglas Monologues

The richest one percent of this country owns half our country's wealth, five trillion dollars. One third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance, interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons and what I do, stock and real estate speculation. It's bullshit. You got ninety percent of the American public out there with little or no net worth. I create nothing. I own. We make the rules, pal. The news, war, peace, famine, upheaval, the price per paper clip. We pick that rabbit out of the hat while everybody sits out there wondering how the hell we did it. Now you're not naive enough to think we're living in a democracy, are you buddy? It's the free market. And you're a part of it. You've got that killer instinct. Stick around pal, I've still got a lot to teach you.

If you need a friend, get a dog.

Well, I appreciate the opportunity you're giving me Mr. Cromwell as the single largest shareholder in Teldar Paper, to speak. Well, ladies and gentlemen we're not here to indulge in fantasy but in political and economic reality. America, America has become a second-rate power. Its trade deficit and its fiscal deficit are at nightmare proportions. Now, in the days of the free market when our country was a top industrial power, there was accountability to the stockholder. The Carnegies, the Mellons, the men that built this great industrial empire, made sure of it because it was their money at stake. Today, management has no stake in the company! All together, these men sitting up here own less than three percent of the company. And where does Mr. Cromwell put his million-dollar salary? Not in Teldar stock; he owns less than one percent. You own the company. That's right, you, the stockholder. And you are all being royally screwed over by these, these bureaucrats, with their luncheons, their hunting and fishing trips, their corporate jets and golden parachutes.

Teldar Paper, Mr. Cromwell, Teldar Paper has 33 different vice presidents each earning over 200 thousand dollars a year. Now, I have spent the last two months analyzing what all these guys do, and I still can't figure it out. One thing I do know is that our paper company lost 110 million dollars last year, and I'll bet that half of that was spent in all the paperwork going back and forth between all these vice presidents. The new law of evolution in corporate America seems to be survival of the unfittest. Well, in my book you either do it right or you get eliminated. In the last seven deals that I've been involved with, there were 2.5 million stockholders who have made a pretax profit of 12 billion dollars. Thank you. I am not a destroyer of companies. I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

I don't throw darts at a board. I bet on sure things. Read Sun-tzu, The Art of War. Every battle is won before it is ever fought.

Money never sleeps, pal. Just made 800,000 in Hong Kong gold. It's been wired to you. Play with it. You've done good, but you gotta keep doing good. I've showed you how the game works. Now School's out.

No, no, no, no. You don't understand. I wanna be surprised. Astonish me, pal. New info. I don't care where or how you get it, just get it. My wife tells me you made a move on Darien. Well, here some inside info for you: That euro-flash G.Q.-type she's going out with has got big bucks, but he's putting her feet to sleep. Exit Visas are imminent, so I don't want you losing your place in line.

Ah, Jesus. I wish you could see this. Light's coming up. I've never seen a painting that captures the beauty of the ocean at a moment like this. I'm gonna make you rich, Bud Fox. Yeah. Rich enough, you can afford a girl like Darien. This is your wake-up call, pal. Go to work.

The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good.

Sand bagged me on Bluestar huh? I guess you think you taught the teacher a lesson that the tail can wag the dog huh? Well let me clue you in, pal. The ice is melting right underneath your feet.

Did you think you could've gotten this far this fast with anyone else, huh? That you'd be out there dicking someone like Darien? No. You'd still be cold calling widows and dentists tryin' to sell 'em 20 shares of some dog shit stock. I took you in.

A NOBODY!

I opened the doors for you! Showed you how the system works! The value of information! How to *get it*! Fulham oil! Brant resources! Geodynamics! And this is how you fucking pay me back you COCKROACH?

I GAVE you Darien. I GAVE you your manhood. I gave you EVERYTHING!

You could've been one of the great ones Buddy. I looked at you and saw myself. Why?ou see that building? I bought that building ten years ago. My first real estate deal. Sold it two years later, made an $800,000 profit. It was better than sex. At the time I thought that was all the money in the world. Now it's a day's pay.

You and I are the same, Darien. We are smart enough not to buy in to the oldest myth running; love. A fiction created by people to keep them from jumping out of windows.

It's not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn't lost or made, it's simply transferred from one perception to another.

I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing.

This is the kid, calls me 59 days in a row, wants to be a player. There ought to be a picture of you in the dictionary under persistence kid.

Bet you worked all night researching that dog stock you sold me, and look where it got you? My father worked like an elephant selling electrical equipment until he keeled over at 49 from a massive heart attack and tax bills.

I'm gonna make you rich, Bud Fox.

I want to know where he goes, what he sees, I want you to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle.

You should thank me. Artists are always appreciated more after they're dead!

That's it? You steal the crown jewel of a man's soul, and your only excuse is some candy ass Hallmark card sentiment? Even if it were true, that's not good enough!

She is in love with you, buddy. You're in business.

I'm saying you did not meet my wife by chance, I'm saying is you didn't study at Berkley, I'm saying is you learned to paint by doing three to six at Soledad State Prison, for relieving a widow in San Francisco of her life savings, your second conviction, if I'm not mistaken your real name is Winton Lagrange, which I'd rather like, born to pure trailer trash in Barstow California, warded to the court at the age of 10, you went from pick pocket, to car thief to con man until you found out you had a way with the softer sex no doubt looking for that mother you can barely remember, life made up of completely depressing little scams, until now.

Call it a con and my wife is the grand prize but you set your sights a little too high this time/

She loves "David Shaw", your invention. not that it matters because you made a fundamental miscalculation. Now you play it out, love conquers all, Emily divorces me, she marries you. Given your history, her advisors are going to insist on a prenup, so you might storm the castle but you're not getting the keys to the treasure room ever!

The petty swindler, doesn't care about a trust fund that can buy fucking Barstow? Why don't you cut the shit? You care or we would not be having this conversation, the only thing that's stopping you from bolting out right now is bad genes and greed.

David, hi, it's Steven Taylor here, I'm finishing up a little early today and I thought I'd come by and check out your work, let's say about six if that "flies" with you, why don't you give me a call at my office here 544-1817, I look forward to seeing you.

Have you ever been to Boca Raton Florida? there was a lady down there that was carrying on with a much younger man he was a hell of a tennis player, anyway when the affair ended he disappeared, along with the lady's bearer bonds, an acquaintance of mine has a photograph of the suspect and all police need is a name, as in strike three, fifteen years no parole.

So I went through his pockets and found what I thought was your key and I reacted I grabbed a screwdriver and jimmied the door and put back in his pocket and took what I thought was your key and put it on your keychain I am so sorry for having to put you through this it was the only thing I could do.

I don't think this is the time for brutal honesty. I've tampered evidence in a homicide. I paid off a blackmail. I'm in way over my head and so are you, David can say anything he wants. He could say I hired him to kill you or he could say he blackmailed us, the happily married wealthy couple in which case it appeared we killed that poor bastard thinking it was David all depends how he wants to play it.

There was a robbery in the building last year probable means of entrance is the driveway gate that granite facade creates a blind sport in the surveillance cameras it wasn't corrected for aesthetic reasons, you enter as I leave at eight o clock for my card game tomorrow night I'm not going to pull out of the driveway until its clear the gate takes five seconds to close you have the right side of the wall as I drive by then you enter the stairs and use the service elevator the key to the front door also works on the service entrance I'm going to take the key from Emily's purse and hide it behind the pipe in the stairway my key implicates me her key could've been lost or stolen in any case she's not going to be around to explain, the lock to the service entrance is always dead bolted she won't notice it even if she checks you'll be in the stairway at nine thirty, by that time Emily will be taking a bath because that's what she does on nights I play cards the phone in the kitchen is a separate telephone line exactly ten o clock I'll call here when she answers the phone and the tragic confrontation will happen which will appear to be a spur of the moment bludgeon rifle the jewelry in the bedroom disable the service entrance lock and make it look like it was jimmied put the key back behind the pipe and leave the building the same way you came in.

Your lover, unless somebody else sent me these pictures, he called me here at the office two months ago, bragged about how hard you fell for him, he shelled out a hundred thousand dollars but he wants more.

Did he mention Belize? That's where he took all the other ones, This guy was quite the aphrodisiac with lowly limited means he learned to paint in a state prison not at Berkley I don't know where we go from here Emily I don't know if "we" is an option I do know I have done everything in my power to protect you from this career criminal you let crawl into our bed.

Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference.

For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character, and although I have not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation: Being president of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is, why aren't you, Bob? Now, this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question: Why would a senator, his party's most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution? If you can answer that question, folks, then you're smarter than I am, because I didn't understand it until a few hours ago. America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the "land of the free". I've known Bob Rumson for years, and I've been operating under the assumption that the reason Bob devotes so much time and energy to shouting at the rain was that he simply didn't get it. Well, I was wrong. Bob's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. Bob's problem is that he can't sell it! We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character. And wave an old photo of the President's girlfriend and you scream about patriotism and you tell them, she's to blame for their lot in life, and you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, 'cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league.

I've loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer, and I lost the other 'cause I was so busy keeping my job I forgot to do my job. Well, that ends right now. Tomorrow morning, the White House is sending a bill to Congress for its consideration. It's White House Resolution 455, an energy bill requiring a 20 percent reduction of the emission of fossil fuels over the next ten years. It is by far the most aggressive stride ever taken in the fight to reverse the effects of global warming. The other piece of legislation is the crime bill. As of today, it no longer exists. I'm throwing it out. I'm throwing it out writing a law that makes sense. You cannot address crime prevention without getting rid of assault weapons and handguns. I consider them a threat to national security, and I will go door to door if I have to, but I'm gonna convince Americans that I'm right, and I'm gonna get the guns. We've got serious problems, and we need serious people, and if you want to talk about character, Bob, you'd better come at me with more than a burning flag and a membership card. If you want to talk about character and American values, fine. Just tell me where and when, and I'll show up. This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I *am* the President.

Well, first of all, the two hundred pairs of eyes aren't focused on me. They're focused on you. And the answers are Sydney Ellen Wade, and because she said yes.

What I did tonight was not about political gain.

Leon, somewhere in Libya right now, a janitor's working the night shift at Libyan Intelligence Headquarters. He's going about doing his job... because he has no idea, in about an hour he's going to die in a massive explosion. He's just going about his job, because he has no idea that about an hour ago I gave an order to have him killed. You've just seen me do the least Presidential thing I do.

Do you think there will ever be a time when you can stand in a room with me and not think of me as the President?

I have news for you, Sydney. As a lobbyist, you'd never be alone in a room with the President.

Let me see if I got this. The third story on the news tonight was that someone I didn't know thirteen years ago when I wasn't president participated in a demonstration where no laws were being broken in protest of something that so many people were against, it doesn't exist anymore. Just out of curiosity, what was the fourth story?

You're attracted to me, but the idea of physical intimacy is uncomfortable because you only know me as the President. But it's not always going to be that way, and the reason I know that is there was a moment last night when you were with ME, not the President. And I know what a big step that was for you. So, Sydney, I'm in no rush. Here's my plan. We're going to slow down, and when you're comfortable, that's when it's going to happen.

Perhaps I didn't properly explain the fundamentals of the slowdown plan.

Are you nervous?

Good. My nervousness exists on… several levels. Number one, and this is in no particular order, I haven't done this in a pretty long time. Number two, uh, any expectations that you might have, given the fact that I'm… you know…

Exactly, thank you. I think it's important you remember that's a political distinction that comes with the office. I mean, if, uh, Eisenhower were here instead of me, he'd be dead by now... and number three...

Other than not knowing the difference between Harvard and Stanford, has he said something that isn't true? Am I not a Commander in Chief who's never served in the military? Am I not opposed to a Constitutional amendment banning flag burning? Am I not an unmarried father who shared a bed with a liberal lobbyist down the hall from his twelve-year-old daughter?

I don't think you win elections by telling fifty-nine percent of voters that they are!

I'm going over to her house. I'm going to stand outside her door until she lets me in, and I'm not leaving 'til I get her back.

Well, I haven't worked that out yet, but I'm sure groveling will be involved.

Perhaps it would be better if you bill me for the flowers, I'm sure it'll be all right with your boss… Well, I don't know if you recognize my voice, but this is the president… Of the United States!… Hello?

Seven-trillion-dollar communications system at my disposal and I can't find out if the Packers won.

Do you know what your problem is?

Sex and nervousness.

Yes. Last night when we were looking at those place settings in the Dish Room, I realized those place settings were provided by the first ladies. And I'll bet none of those first ladies were nervous about having sex with their President husbands. And do you know why?

I will. Because they weren't Presidents when they first met them. That's not the case here.

Janie, can you get me the number of a local florist?

No, I want to do it myself. I just need the number.

I want the phone number of a florist.

Yeah.

Janie, I want to send some flowers. I want to do it myself. I don't want to staff it out, and I don't want to issue an executive order. I just want a phone number.

For the last couple of months Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character and, although I haven't been will to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here three years and three days and I can tell you, without hesitation, being president of this country is entirely about character.

Douglas, does the NRA have videotapes of you playing golf with Satan?

Well, I tell you what, let's make it the issue. Let's try something new, because I know that most couples when they first get together are inclined to slam on the brakes because they're concerned about Bob Rumson's drool.

What's Washington like? Well its like Calcutta, surrounded by beggars. The only difference is the beggars in Washington wear fifteen hundred dollar suits and they don't say please or thank you.

If there is a war on drugs, then many of our family members are the enemy. And I don't know how you wage war on your own family.

Look, we need to take down either of these cartels: either Juarez or Tijuana. Not because they're a symbol but… hell, they are a symbol! But because we need to send a message! When Carlos Ayala hires Michael Addler as his legal defense, I send Ben Williams down to San Diego as a prosecutor, why? Because it's a symbol. It's a symbol that we are sending the best! It's a message that we're going after their top guys.

Well you've done a fine job, General. The Office of National Drug Control Policy is in better shape than when you found it.

Mr. Rodman, it's a shame that your client didn't use as much sense in choosing what he planted as he did in choosing his attorney. But lately the only variation I'm hearing in your argument is the name of your client. Now, you can stand here all day and argue the ins and outs of Illinois v. Gates, but you're not gonna convince me that our government has not sanctioned the use of anonymous informants. Furthermore there is no sacred protection of property rights in our country. You grow marijuana on your farm, be it an ounce or an acre of plants, that farm can be seized, and that farm can be sold.

My name is Robert. And my wife, Barbara and I are here to support our daughter Caroline. And we're here to listen.