Michael Cera Monologues

When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.

Yeah, I think garlic bread would have to be my favourite all-time food. I could eat it for every meal. Or just constantly, without stopping.

We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff.

I have to go pee due to boredom.

I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt. And I know you have reasons for not wanting talk about your past. I want you to know that I don't care about any of that stuff. Because I'm in lesbians with you.

If I peed my pants would you pretend that I just got wet from the rain?

Hey so, can this not be a one-night stand? For one thing I didn't even get any. That was a joke.

That's it! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity.

Yeah I know, but she did it without making a big deal out of it or anything… She's fickle, impulsive, spontaneous… God what am I going to do?

Well, Pac-man was originally called Puck-man. They changed it because... Not because Pac-man looks like a hockey puck. "Paku Paku" means "flap your mouth", and they were worried that people would change, scratch out the P turn it into an F, like...

You're pretentious, this club sucks, I have beef. Let's do it.

Hi. I was thinking about asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be. So do you want to go out sometime?

I just woke up, and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?

Okey. Well, maybe, do you wanna hang out sometime? Get to know each other. You're the new kid on the block, right? I've lived here forever, so there are reasons for you to hang out with me.

Can we please stop all this fighting! Nobody stole anybody. Knives, I dated you and then I dated Ramona. Okay?

You're being really immature... You have no reason to be mad at me, I mean, you know, you broke MY heart. I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off, I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.

Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and then 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'

Well, I still have your underwear!

Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.

No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!