Mark Wahlberg Monologues

Don't eyeball me! I've seen your mother driving up and down these streets looking at me! I'll be your stepfather in about a week!

I have no sympathy for people who squander their gifts. It's sickening. It's worse than sickening. It's unpatriotic.

Life's gonna give me another set. I know it will.

My name is Daniel Lugo, and I believe in fitness. All this began because it was time to push myself harder, otherwise I was looking at another forty years wearing sweatpants to work…

If you're willing to do the work, you can have anything. That's what makes the U.S. of A great. When it started, America was just a handful of scrawny colonies. Now, it's the most buff, pumped-up country on the planet. That's pretty rad.

In the end after reviewing our past performance, we could come to only one conclusion. We're so much better when we wing it.

Sometimes God just fucks up your order and you gotta chow down on that shitty shame sandwich.

No, man! We snatch him, we grab him, signs a few signature, we give him a protein shake! He dunnit even know what happened! I watched a lot of movies Paul, I know what I'm doing!

I put up with stuff that they don't have names for in civil society.

Victor Kershaw is a criminal prick, who deserves bad stuff to happen to him!

I don't just want everything you have... I want you not to have it!

There's a storm inside of us. I've heard many team guys speak of this. A burning. A river. A drive. An unrelenting desire to push yourself harder and further than anyone could think possible. Pushing ourselves into those cold, dark corners, where the bad things live. Where the bad things fight. We wanted that fight at the highest volume. A loud fight. The loudest, coldest, darkest, most unpleasant of the unpleasant fights.

Why are you doing this to me?

It's not a cursed op. There's no curses. It's just Afghanistan, that's all.

Well, we could light these goats on fire, smoke signal our way outta here.

You could get some interesting tile ideas down there, bro. Afghan dirt brown, goat skin blond. Shit, she'll dig that a helluva lot more than, what is it? Fucking honey cream?

I think we're about fixin' to get into a pretty good gunfight.

Looks like I voted wrong.

You are never out of the fight.

Ok. My people are out there. They're like fuckin' indians. You're not gonna see 'em you're not gonna hear about 'em except from me or Captain Queenan. You will not ever know the identity of undercover people. Unfortunately, this shithole has more fuckin' leaks than the Iraqi Navy.

I'm tired from fuckin' your wife.

Good, she's tired from fuckin' my father.

My theory on Feds is that they're like mushrooms, feed 'em shit and keep 'em in the dark

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's say you have no idea and leave it at that, okay? No idea. Zip. None. If you had an idea of what we do, we would not be good at what we do, now would we? We would be cunts. Are you calling us cunts?

Hey asshole, he can't help you! I know what you are, okay? I know what you are and I know what you are not. I'm the best friend you have on the face of this earth, and I'm gonna help you understand something, you punk. You're no fuckin' cop!

Your fuckin' family's dug into the Southie projects like ticks. Three-decker men at best. You, however, grew up on the North Shore, huh? Well, la-di-fuckin'-da. You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? Huh? One kid with your old man, one kid with your mother. You're upper-middle class during the weeks, then you're droppin' your "R"s and you're hangin' in the big, bad Southie projects with your daddy, the fuckin' donkey on the weekends. I got that right?

Yup. You have different accents? You did, didn't you? You little fuckin' snake. You were like different people.

Well, if I was I'd ask you why you're a Statie making 30 grand a year. And I think if I was Sigmund fuckin' Freud I wouldn't get an answer. So tell me, what's a lace-curtain motherfucker like you doing in the Staties?

What's the matter, smartass, you don't know any fuckin' Shakespeare?

Hey, what do you think you can pop somebody and there's a special card to play? That guy, Jimmy Bags whose jaw you broke happens to work undercover for the Boston Police Department.

Calm down, alright? Most people in the world do it every day. What's the big deal?

Exactly. You're nobody. You signed the papers, remember? Now we're the only two people on the face of this earth that even know you're a cop. How about we just erase your file, huh? How 'bout that? How about we erase your file and then bang, you're just another soldier for Costello open to arrest for I don't know how many felonies. Huh? What do you say we do that, Captain?

That wasn't a joke. Just because you play a tough guy, doesn't mean you are one you lace-curtain, Irish fucking pussy!

You had 1400 on your SATs, kid. You're an astronaut, not a Statie.

He did not just get off the fuckin' couch. If he did, I'm gonna buy a couch like that.

What are you doing, running in here like a silverback fucking gorilla?

You went ten rounds. One of the best to ever do it. He couldn't hurt you. You were my hero.

You didn't give a fuck if I got killed by Mungin; now, all of a sudden, you're worried Sanchez is gonna hurt me? Why? I mean, come on, Dick. 'Cause you're stuck in here and can't be the center of attention no more?

Why can't you just shut up and be happy for me? I spent the last ten years of my life in bad fights set up by you and Alice. I finally got a good thing going for me and you can't be fuckin' happy for me? Why?

I'm the one fighting, okay? Not you, not you, and not you.

I don't have a girlfriend, all right? I... I like you. I came here because I don't wanna show my face in Lowell. I told everybody I was gonna win that fight and get back on track. I told my daughter I was gonna get a bigger apartment so she could move in. You don't think I wanted to call you? I was embarrassed. I mean, I'm sick of bein' a fuckin' disappointment. I...

I'm like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop'. Okay? It's the oldest game in the book for a reason - it works. I come strong, then you come in. You got it?

Now you listen to me, you piece of shit! It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart! How did you cover your losses up? Huh? What drug cartel are you working with now?

You keep hiding from shit in the world, and eventually the world comes to your front door.

So he's walking home, and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, 'Vroom!' A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!

Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened? Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked up duck!"

I don't get it, man. I just do not get it. I mean, that girl Christinith was seriously hot. Your wife is crazy hot. I mean, even that Brazilian security chick, she threw you a "do me" vibe. What is it with you and hot ladies?

You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple of detectives and I was about to start bad-mouthing you behind your back, but I stopped myself because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.

You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big dick and I say when we roll.

Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!

I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?

Well, yeah, this is like - um - imported Italian nylon. And its like a special edition, limited silk print. And it was done by this really famous - um - design artist, from Italy.

Blocking an idea or a movement, you know. Jack will put the final touches together for what the camera needs for editing and stuff, but, um, you know, he allows me to block my own sex scenes, and, you know, give me the freedom to develop the character and stuff like that. God, I don't know any other, you know, director who would let an actor, you know, do that. You know?

I've gotten thousands upon thousands of letters, you know, from people telling me, "God, you've taught me this and you've made our love life so much better." And this isn't, you know, go out and have sex with ten million people and, you know, how to get a girl off. It's about how to get your wife off. You know, if only, you know, people could have been doing this before, we could have a million relationships. You know, I've saved thousands.

I only am who I am because I was born that way. I have a gift and I am trying to not be selfish about it but to use it. Okay? And if you want to knock me for that, it's your own problem. Okay? Jealousy will get you nowhere. I'm gonna keep rockin' on!