Lindsay Lohan Monologues

Let me see... I know how to fence and you don't. Or, I have class and you don't. Take your pick.

Don't you realize what's happening? Oh man, this is beyond coincidence, this is beyond imagination! I only have a mother, and you only have a father... You've never seen your Mom, and I've never seen my Dad. You have one old picture of your Mom, I have one old picture of my Dad but at least yours is probably a whole picture.

Mine's a pathetic little thing, ripped right down the middle... What are you rummaging in your trunk for this time?

This is so freaky. Okay. On the count of three, we'll show them to each other, okay?

That girl is without a doubt, the lowest, most awful creature to ever walk the planet!

She's drunk! She's never had more than one glass of wine her entire life and she chooses today to show up totally zonked!

You're young, beautiful, sexy, and hey, the guy is only human, but if you ask me marriage is supposed to be based on something more than just sex, right?

Right. Fine. If that's the way you want it, then let the games begin.

I never met her. She and my Dad split up when I was a baby, maybe even before, I'm not sure. He doesn't really like to talk about her... but I know she was really beautiful.

Because my dad had this old picture of her hidden in his sock drawer and he caught me looking at it all the time so he gave it to me to keep. I'm really thirsty, you sure you don't want to go to the canteen and get something to drink?

I am. Annie and I met up at camp and, and we decided to switch places. I'm sorry, but I've never seen you and I've dreamt of meeting you my whole life and Annie felt the exact same way about Dad so, so we sort of just switched lives. I hope you're not mad because I love you so much, and I just hope that one day you could love me as me, and not as Annie.

Doesn't designing all these wedding dresses ever make you think about getting married again; or at least make you think about the "f" word?

My father!

Making a memory! Years from now, when I'm all grown up, I'll always remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of… peppermint and pipe tobacco.

Then cutting your hair was a total waste. There's no way I can go to camp with pierced ears and come home without them. I mean, come on. Get real.

Look, I can do you already.

"Yes, you want to know the real difference between us? I have class and you don't." Come on, Annie. I gotta meet my ma.

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

Same with Gretchen: the meaner Regina was to her, the more Gretchen tried to win Regina back. She knew it was better to be in the plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with the plastics was like being famous... people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you.

In the real world, Halloween is when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.

And that's how Regina George died. No, I'm totally kidding. But she did get hurt. Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around. But that's just a rumor. Some people swear they saw me Push her in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor.