Laura Dern Monologues

This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top.

Uh oh. Baby, you'd better get me back to that hotel. You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt.

You remind me of my daddy, you know. Mama told me he liked skinny women with breasts that stood up and said "Hello".

Sometimes, Sail', when we're makin' love, you just about take me right over that rainbow. You are so aware of what goes on in me, I mean, you pay attention. And I swear, baby, you got the sweetest cock. It's like it's talking to me when you're inside. Like it's got this little voice all it's own.

I can't take no more of this radio! I never heard so much shit in all my life! Sailor Ripley, you get me some music on that radio this instant! I mean it!

I'm sorry, Sailor, but that ozone layer' s disappearin'. One of these mornings, the sun's gonna come up and burn a hole clean through the planet like an electrical X-ray.

Dell said that trust in the spirit of Christmas was destroyed by ideas being controlled by aliens wearing black gloves. These aliens would get Dell to do all kinds of things. Then he'd carry on about the weather, talk about how rainfall is controlled by aliens on earth. Aunt Rootie told Dell that one day he would realize that the alien wearing the black gloves was him, and him alone.

It's Night of the Livin' fuckin' Dead!

Dell loved Christmas. We used to call him "Jingle Dell".

People don't accept mothers who drink too much wine and yell at their child and call him an asshole. I get it. I do it too. We can accept an imperfect dad. Let's face it, the idea of a good father was only invented like 30 years ago. Before that, fathers were expected to be silent and absent and unreliable and selfish, and can all say we want them to be different. But on some basic level, we accept them. We love them for their fallibilities, but people absolutely don't accept those same failings in mothers. We don't accept it structurally and we don't accept it spiritually. Because the basis of our Judeo-Christian whatever is Mary, Mother of Jesus, and she's perfect. She's a virgin who gives birth, unwaveringly supports her child and holds his dead body when he's gone. And the dad isn't there. He didn't even do the fucking. God is in heaven. God is the father and God didn't show up. So, you have to be perfect, and Charlie can be a fuck up and it doesn't matter. You will always be held to a different, higher standard. And it's fucked up, but that's the way it is.