Joaquin Phoenix Monologues

I got a couple of songs I wrote in the Air Force. You got anything against the Air Force?

You've got me all revved up. Now I've asked you forty different ways and it's time you come up with a fresh answer.

I'm asking you to marry me. I love you, June. Now I know I said and done a lotta things, that I hurt you, but I promise, I'll never do that again. I only want to take care of you. I will not leave you like that dutch boy with your finger in the dam.

You're my best friend. Marry me.

Now I've asked you forty different ways and it's time you come up with a fresh answer.

Aw, June, love's more important than the tour.

You're an angel.

You've been there with me.

But I've done so many bad things.

My Daddy's right. It should have been me on that saw. Jack was so good. He would have done so many good things. What have I done? Just hurt everybody I know. I know I've hurt you. I'm nothin'.

Now, I'd like to remind you all that we're recording live, so you can't say "hell" or "shit" or anything like that!

You know what your problem is, June Carter? You are afraid to be in love, you are afraid of losing control, And you know what June Carter, I think you are afraid of livin' in my big fat shadow.

There's only one actually.

There's only one "if" in that sentence, June!

I-I thought it was a good point… I mean, there is only one.

Why don't you tell them about the flood? Tell 'em about how you made a boat out of the front door and got us all out of there. They'll like that.

Next time I ask you to marry me, I'm gonna come up with a different way.

Fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency.

Once in El Paso, I had this bag of... Oh... you heard about that? You been in El Paso, too? Well, anyways, I felt tough, you know?. Like I'd seen a thing or two, you know? Well, that was till a moment ago... 'cuz I got to tell you, my hat's off to you now, 'cuz I ain't never had to drink this yellow water you got here at Folsom!

You know when I was in the service… I used to look at pictures of you… you know, in magazines.

No... Oh no, it wasn't like that. I mean, I... I liked your music, you know?

Yeah… Oh yeah, I mean, you were, well, you are… I mean, l-I kept track of you. You and your family. I listened to your voice my whole life, you know? Me and my brother, Jack… we always listened to your songs. Like "Swallerin' Place."

Yeah. We liked it when you'd sing one alone.

Don't give me no rules. All I got are rules.

It's funny, you know, because I haven't talked about Jack in a long time. After he passed I talked about him all the time. But I guess people grew tired of it... so I just stopped.

I'm really glad ya'll could be here today, especially you Dad, glad you came. Not everybody's here. Jack's not here is he, huh? Where you been? That's what you said to me, remember? I was twelve years old and he got Jack's bloody clothes, and you asked where I'd been.

On January 13th, I'll be at Folsom prison, with June and the boys. You listen to the tapes. If you don't like them, you can toss them.

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

So much of philosophy is just verbal masturbation.

I couldn't remember the reason for living, and when I did it wasn't convincing.

It's very scary when you run out of distractions.

Kant said human reason is troubled by questions that it cannot dismiss but also cannot answer.

Fifty-fifty odds is better than most people get in life.

I set out to be an active world changer and wound up a passive intellectual who can't fuck.

I'm well aware of what Kierkegaard thought. But he was, in the end, a Christian. How comforting that would be.

I'm asking you to put our everyday assumptions aside, and trust your experience of life. In order to really see the world, we must break with our familiar acceptance of it.

Kant said human reason is troubled by questions that it cannot dismiss, but also cannot answer. Okay, so, what are we talking about here? Morality? Choice? The randomness of life? Aesthetics? Murder?

Where to begin? You know, the existentialists feel nothing happens until you hit absolute rock bottom. Well, let's say that when I went to teach at Braylin College, emotionally, I was at Zabriskie Point. Of course, my reputation, or should I say a reputation, preceded me.

The dizziness and anxiety had disappeared and I was happy and enjoying the joy of living.

I'm Abe Lucas and I've murdered. I've had many experiences and now a unique one. I've taken a human life. Not in battle or self defense, but I made a choice I believed in and saw it through. I feel like an authentic human being.

Life's ironic isn't it? One day a person has a morass of complicated, unsolvable problems then in the batting of an eye, dark clouds part and she can enjoy a decent life again. It's just astounding.

Everything about killing Judge Spangler turned me on. The idea of helping this woman, of taking action, of ridding the world of the kind of vermin that makes the world an extra hell for all of us. I was intrigued by the creative challenge of bringing off a perfect murder. It was a high-stakes risk, but the risk made me feel alive.

Jill had been right in her appraisal of me. I was teetering on the brink of some kind of breakdown, unable to deal with my feelings of anger, frustration, futility. They say that drowning is a painless way to go.

My writing was flowing, the creative juices unblocked. I was happy and enjoying a sense of well being and had begun an affair with Jill, something I had been determined not to do and yet was carried along in the sudden momentum of the sheer joy of living. The thought that I had once been indifferent to existence seemed preposterous.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

Dear Catherine, I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.

Well, we grew up together. You know, I used to read all of her writing, all through her Masters and PhD. She read every word I ever wrote. We were a big influence on each other.

She came from a background where nothing was ever good enough. And that was something that weighed heavy on her. But in our house together, it was a sense of just trying stuff and allowing each other to fail and to be excited about things. That was liberating for her. It was exciting to see her grow and both of us grow and change together. But that's also the hard part: growing without growing apart or changing without it scaring the other person. I still find myself having conversations with her in my mind. Rehashing old arguments and defending myself against something she said about me.

Well, the room's spinning cause I drank too much, cause I wanted to get drunk and have sex. There was something sexy about that woman… cause I was lonely… maybe just cause I was lonely. I wanted somebody to fuck me. I want somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled this ti-… tiny little hole in my heart, but probably not… and sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new… just… lesser versions of what I've already felt.

I feel like I can be anything with you.

Roberto, Will you always come home with me and tell me about your day? Tell me about the guy at work who talked too much, the stain you got on your shirt at lunch. Tell me about a funny thought you had when you were waking up and forgotten about. Tell me how crazy everyone is and we can laugh about it. Even if you get home late and I'm already asleep, just whisper in my ear one little thought you had today, 'cause I love the way you look at the world. I'm so happy I get to be next to you and look at the world through your eyes. Love, Maria.

Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with somebody.

Well, I don't think so. Actually the woman that I've been seeing, Samantha, I didn't tell you but she's an OS.

It's great actually. Yeah, I mean, I feel really close to her. Like when I talk to her, I feel like she's with me. You know? Like, when we're cuddling like, at night, when the lights are off and we're in bed... I feel cuddled.

Heh, yeah, well, so to speak. Um, yeah she really turns me on. I turn her on too. I mean, I don't know… unless she's faking it.

I wish you were in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.

I would touch you on your face with just the tips of my fingers. And put my cheek against your cheek.

And just rub it softly.

I would. I'd take your head into my hands. And kiss the corner of your mouth. So softly. I would put my mouth on you and I'd taste you.

Just punch me in the face. Just mash my skull in the corner of your desk.

"To my Chris. I've been thinking how I could possibly tell you how much you mean to me. I remember when I first started to fall in love with you like it was last night. Lying naked beside you in that tiny apartment - it suddenly hit me that I was part of this whole larger thing. Just like our parents - or our parents' parents. Before that, I was just living my life like I knew everything - and suddenly this bright light hit me and woke me up. That light was you. I can't believe it's already been 5O years since you married me. And still to this day, every day - you make me feel like the girl I was - when you first turned on the lights and we started this adventure together. Happy anniversary. My love. My friend till the end. Loretta."

I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think you're amazing.

I know. I do that. I did the same thing with Catherine too. I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it and she'd sense that there was something wrong, but I'd deny it. I don't wanna do that anymore. I want to tell you everything.

I don't know what I want, ever. I'm just always confused. She's right, all I do is hurt and confuse everyone around me. I'm mean, am I just... Am I... You know, Catherine says I can't handle real emotions.

She's not just a computer.

Rise. Rise. Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young man, he insists you are Hector reborn. Or was it Hercules? Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name.

The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?

You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness, courage, perhaps not on the battlefield, but… there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn't want me for your son.

I search the faces of the gods... for ways to please you, to make you proud. One kind word, one full hug... where you pressed me to your chest and held me tight. Would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years. What is it in me that you hate so much?

If you're very good, tomorrow night I'll tell you the story of emperor Claudius who was betrayed by those closest to him, by his own blood. They whispered in dark corners and went out late at night and conspired and conspired but the emperor Claudius knew they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you've been doing busy little bee or I shall strike down those dearest to you. You shall watch as I bathe in their blood." And the emperor was heartbroken. The little bee had wounded him more deeply than anyone else could ever have done. And what do you think happened then, Lucius?

Lucius will stay with me now. And if his mother so much as looks at me in a manner that displeases me, he will die. If she decides to be noble and takes her own life, he will die.

And as for you, you will love me as I loved you. You will provide me with an heir of pure blood, so that Commodus and his progeny will rule for a thousand years. Am I not merciful?

And now they love Maximus for his mercy. So I can't just kill him, or it makes me even more unmerciful! The whole thing's like some crazed nightmare.

It's a dream, a frightful dream… life is…

The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't.

You don't listen, do you? I don't think you ever really hear me. You just ask the same questions every week. "How's your job?" "Are you having any negative thoughts?" All I have are negative thoughts.

I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it's a fucking comedy.

For my whole life, I didn't know if I even really existed. But I do, and people are starting to notice.

I just hope my death makes more cents than my life.

I haven't been happy one minute of my entire fucking life.

Ugh, why is everybody so upset about these guys? If it was me dying on the sidewalk you'd walk right over me! I pass you everyday and you don't notice me! But these guys? Well because Thomas Wayne would cry about them on TV?

Have you seen what it's like out there, Murray? Do you ever actually leave the studio? Everybody just yells and screams at each other. Nobody's civil anymore. Nobody thinks what it's like to be the other guy. You think men like Thomas Wayne ever think what it's like to be someone like me? To be somebody but themselves? They don't. They think that we'll just sit there and take it, like good little boys! That we won't werewolf and go wild!

I know it seems strange, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I don't know why everyone is so rude; I don't know why you are. I don't want anything from you. Maybe a little bit of warmth, maybe a hug, dad? How about just a little bit of fucking decency!

I've got nothing left to lose. Nothing can hurt me anymore. My life is nothing but comedy.

Comedy is subjective, Murray, isn't that what they say? All of you, the system that knows so much: you decide what's right or wrong the same way you decide what's funny or not.

She always tells me to smile, and put on a happy face.

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and the guy was singing that his name was Carnival.

Which is crazy, because that's my clown name. At work, until a little while ago, it was like nobody ever saw me. Even I didn't know if I really existed.