Jim Carrey Monologues

Hello. I am Andy and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie. I wish it was *better*, you know, but... it is so stupid! It's terrible! I do not even like it. All of the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes. So, I decided to cut out all of the baloney! Now the movie is much *shorter*.

In fact, this is the end of the movie. Thank you very much.

Since you've all been such good boys and girls, I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out for milk and cookies. There are buses outside. Everybody follow me.

I am from Caspiar, an Island in the Caspian Sea. It sunk.

I am sick of this shit, Lawler. I am gonna sue you. I'm gonna sue you, I swear to God. Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler? Fuck you! I'm sorry, Dave. I know I'm not supposed to use those words on television. I can't say those words. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, you, you are a motherfucking, fucking asshole! Okay?

I hate sitcoms, George. They're just… stupid jokes… and canned laughter! And you don't know why it's there, but it's there. And… and that's DEAD people laughing! Did you know that? Those people are dead!

See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs. I want real gut reactions. I want the audience to have gone through an experience. They love me, they hate me, they walk out. It's all great.

I did not agree to wrestle you! I did not agree! This is assault and battery, and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you... and your children and your children's children.

I just... I think of the world as, as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.

George, at this point the audience expects me to shock them all the time. But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire, I don't know what else to do. Because I've always gotta be one step ahead of them.

Women are superior to men in many ways. That's right. When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing the potatoes, scrubbing the carrots, making the babies, mopping the floors… they have it all over men. I believe that. But when it comes to wrestling…

SHUT UP! Be quiet when a MAN is talking!

My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!

*That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!

Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.

This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?

I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.

Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.

Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success… you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at… Stanford Law… was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!

I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter!

Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?

Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

We got no food, we got no jobs… our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.

I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.

There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin…

How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.

Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?

Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!

You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.

The 5th Amendment is out of the question. But there is another Amendment that I'd like to invoke. I wonder if anyone here is familiar with it. "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion."

"Congress shall make no law... respecting... an establishment of religion... or prohibiting the free exercise thereof... or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press... or of the right of the people peaceably to assemble and petition the government for a redress of grievances."

The fact is I… I've never been a man of great conviction. I never saw the percentage in it… and quite frankly, I suppose I, uh… lacked the courage. See, I'm not like Luke Trimble. He had the market cornered on those things. I never met the guy, but I feel like I've gotten to know him. The thing is, I can't help wondering what he'd say… if he were standing here right now. You know, I think what I think he'd probably tell you: the America represented in this room… is not the America he died defending.

He says I'm a communist. In fact, this very moment, some grey little FBI guy, in a grey little FBI suit, is hunched over my screenplay, checking it, line by line, for the poisonous Marxist propaganda which surely lurks therein. Hope they check the spelling. I can always use help with that.

'Ashes to Ashes', my movie! Could've been good, even with the stupid dog. My 'Grapes of Wrath', my shot at doing something really good, something...

And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?

All that I ask is that you do each and every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

Oh, the Captain loved the ladies / But he dragged himself a wife / Now he's wishin' he was fishin' / But he's on the hook for life.

Well, I guess he shouldn't 've oughta / But he drowned her in the water / And then a flounder downed her / That's why they never found her.

*You're* the monster. These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent? You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it!

Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail, and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony and everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littles Elf. Happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.

Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet. Violet. You're 14 years old. You should know by now that you can't have everything you want. You want a life of happiness? A roof over your head? A place to call your own and all that jazz? And what about what I want? I want that enormous fortune and for all investigations against me to cease. You're going to help me get what I want… tonight.

There's no such thing as destiny. There are only different choices. Some choices are easy, some aren't. Those are the really important ones, the ones that define us as people.

I'd like two words on my tombstone: what if.

I once read that the only philosophical question that matters, is whether or not to commit suicide... I guess that makes me a philosopher.

To die there in the street would have been easy. But it wouldn't have been justice, at least not the justice fathers teach their sons about. I'll be sentenced in a week or so. My lawyer says the judge will look kindly upon me for turning myself in. Maybe it's not the happiest of endings, but it's the right one. Some day I'll be up for parole, and we can go on living our lives. It's only a matter of time. Of course, time is just a counting system - numbers with meaning attached to them - isn't it?

Chapter 23. You can call me Fingerling. My real name is Walter. Walter Paul Sparrow. What you've read so far is not the whole truth. Much has been changed to protect the innocent... and the guilty. I once read that the only philosophical question that matters is whether or not to commit suicide. I guess that makes me a philosopher. You can say it was my inheritance. After my mother's death, my father couldn't cope. He didn't leave a note... just a number. That number followed me from foster home to foster home till college when I met her: Laura Tollins. I thought she'd help me forget my father's number. It was a mistake to think I could escape it. I loved her. And I thought she loved me. Until my father's number returned to haunt me. That fucking number... When I circled every 23rd letter of her note... it became clear. The number had gone after me. And now it wanted her. I was right. She was in danger. I just didn't realize the danger was me. What began as a suicide note, turned into something more. Much, much more.

Once upon a time there was a dog. Lived a life of terror, feared no one. Although his teeth were sharp, and his belly full, his heart was empty. He decided to go on a journey to a land far far away. But he came upon a wooden shack one day with a thin old man inside, and he invited him in. The dog was overjoyed, and that night warm smoke billowed from the chimney above. Oh, what odd smelling smoke this was. You see, the land was China, and in China they eat dogs.

The Number 23. A Novel of Obsession by Topsy Kretts.

A heart wrenching odyssey into paranoia. One of the most horrifying metamorphoses ever told. Beware the dog next door.

AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.

Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brown-nose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!

Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message?

Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!

But I'm hurting here though. I'm a dope, Max. All this time you've been here and I could see you anytime I felt like it but I didn't. Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston and I started thinking. I could be sitting around sometime; I wanna look at you and hold you and play with you. And I wanna be able to. I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that. I love you more than anything else in the world, Max. And you know it's true! I couldn't say it if it wasn't true. Not today. I love you. And I'll NEVER hurt you again.

Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says… God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way…

This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

See, that I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelnick. If this beats Galdys', it will prove once and for all that the Kowolskis have much more free time. And the cookie is… 10 feet, 4 inches.

We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

But what are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo, its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center, making out beloved Buffalo, the sweetest place to live. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

Fine! The gloves are off, God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!

Nah. In fact, I think you should go faster. That way if we crash, at least I'll die. I just don't wanna be kept alive artificially.

Hey, Carl… you wanna give your money away to some homeless guy? Yes, yes I do. How 'bout letting him use up the phone battery so that you can't get help when your car runs out of gas? You know what? That sounds like a fuckin' great idea!

You ever had a Red Bull? Ive never had a Red Bull before, but I had a Red Bull last night - I really like Red Bull.

.. got this new… glow in the dark thing… cant really see it right now, unless you go like this…

Why don't you take a late night stroll through the hills and get killed by the Manson family? Don't mind if I do!

Hey... I'm just saying 'yes' to life... 'cause... you gotta say 'yes' to life... I'm in a secret covenant... That sounded naughty!

The era of "yes" has begun.

It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags.

It’s because I’m green, isn’t it?

Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more.

The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there... and on such short notice... Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! 4:00, wallow in self pity.", "4:30, stare into the abyss.", "5:00, solve world hunger" - Tell no one. "5:30, jazzercize.", "6:30, dinner with me" - I can't cancel that again! "7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing." I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness… But what would I wear?

Am I just eating because I’m bored?

Cheer up, dude. It’s Christmas.

Tomorrow is Christmas. It’s practically here!

That is not a chew toy!

Blast this Christmas music! It’s joyful and triumphant.

Be it ever so heinous, there’s no place like home.

I’m all toasty inside.

Stupid. Ugly. Out of date. This is ridiculous. If I can’t find something nice to wear I’m not going.

What is that stench? It’s fantastic.

One man’s toxic sludge is another man’s potpourri.

Kids today. So desensitized by movies and television.

Bleeding hearts of the world unite.

Holiday who-be what-ee?

I could use a little social interaction.

Give me that! Don’t you know you’re not supposed to take things that don’t belong to you? What’s the matter with you? You some kind of wild animal?

I’m an idiot. You’re an idiot!

Saving you, is that what you think I was doing? Wrong-o. I merely noticed that you’re improperly packaged, my dear.

HELP ME…I’m FEELING.

If you utter so much as one syllable, I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you’d like to fax me, press the star key.

That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? That’s what it’s always been about. Gifts, gifts… gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I’m saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice. The avarice never ends! ‘I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue.’ Look, I don’t wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is…

And they’ll feast, feast, feast, feast. They’ll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But that’s something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I’M SPEAKING IN RHYME!

Look, I don’t wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is stupid, stupid, stupid!

Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely.

I am the Grinch that stole Christmas… and I’m sorry.

Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.

I could die right now, Clem. I’m just… happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m just exactly where I want to be.

Random thoughts for Valentine’s day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.

Sand is overrated. It’s just tiny, little rocks.

What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she’s a stranger.

I can’t remember anything without you.

Are we like those bored couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? I can’t stand the idea of us being a couple people think that about.