Jake Gyllenhaal Monologues

I'm a hero for just standing there and getting my legs blown off?

They keep trying to make a hero out of me.

And now it's just about healing, getting better, and showing the world I'm fine and that, you know. I'm not gonna let this hold me down, you know, because maybe if they see that, then maybe they won't let stuff hold them down, either. And, you know, there's always gonna be pain, I think, but, I don't know, I just wanna, like... live.

I hope... I hope I didn't get you at a bad time, but I, uh... You know, it's the, uh... Bruins playoff game against Chicago next week, and they... asked me to come out there on the ice.

Yeah, I'm not, like, on the... Not to play but, you know, to be the banner captain and, like, wave the flag and shit. It's kind of like singing the national anthem, but for people who suck at singing.

You've just got to work, like, you know, your core strength and everything and then you've got to stand up on them and get your balance right. But they're like... They have... They're like feet. They're like feet and legs. They are attached to shoes and you can just, like... and you can just, like...

I'm gonna walk. You know, I'm gonna walk with you again someday.

Yeah, but technically it's only like two and a half.

I don't wanna meet Carlos. I don't wanna relive the worst day of my life.

I am the police, and I'm here to arrest you. You've broken the law. I did not write the law. I may even disagree with the law but I will enforce it. No matter how you plead, cajole, beg or attempt to stir my sympathies, nothing you do will stop me from placing you in a steel cage with gray bars. If you run away I will chase you. If you fight me I will fight back. If you shoot at me I will shoot back. By law I am unable to walk away. I am a consequence. I am the unpaid bill. I am fate with a badge and a gun. Behind my badge is a heart like yours. I bleed, I think, I love, and yes I can be killed. And although I am but one man, I have thousands of brothers and sisters who are the same as me. They will lay down their lives for me, and I them. We stand watch together. The thin-blue-line, protecting the prey from the predators, the good from the bad. We are the police.

I want somebody to talk to, not just sleep with. Do you fucking understand what I'm saying?

If they're anything like you, I wouldn't be able to stand a fucking hour with them.

It's been two hours. We're still waiting for the detectives to release the crime scene so we can go back on patrol.

But there's a pattern. An MO here. First date is dinner and a respectful kiss. Second date is dinner and full carnal knowledge. And the third date is dinner and uncomfortable silences when I try and discuss anything of merit. Then it's two or three booty calls and it's on to the next.

Okay, ready? I want somebody to talk to. Not just sleep with. Do you fucking understand what I'm saying?

Really, dude? I'm sorry that the perfect girl wasn't dropped in front of me when I was 18-years old.

Sir, I don't want to cause any trouble here, but we just fucking rolled up here. I don't know what's going on. It's the second cowboy like this we've run into in a week.

I know I'm just a ghetto street cop, but you gotta give me something here.

Never fall asleep in a room full of cops!

This is the lifeblood of our organization. Paperwork.

Not every call's a foot pursuit or a car chase. Some guys at other agencies have never even drawn their weapon or been in a gun fight.

In the South end, we'll get involved in more capers in one deployment period than most cops see their entire career.

This is my day job. Some of you might know me as Brian or Taylor, but here I am Police Officer 2 Brian Taylor. This is where the forces of good prepare to fight the forces of evil. This is my partner, Officer Zavala.

This is a department-issue sidearm Glock 19. Spyderco tactical knife. This little thing can break windows, here. Two Smith & Wesson handcuffs. Can of OC spray. Pepper spray. Two extra mags.

Curbside likes these vehicles because they blend in, you can put a lot of people in them, and this door slides back and the gang members open fire.

When I was twelve years old there was this little girl, she was skinny, she had ratty hair, she had been through it. She stuck with me when I was incarcerated a couple of times, and I knew she was there. I wouldn't be here without my wife Maureen.

A fighter knows only one way to work

I can handle the rules, man, I'll handle the rules.

Yeah, fuck it, I'm in.

I took some Advil. You're gonna write that down?

"He took some Advil. He can't see his kid"?

No, seriously, what's up with your eye? What is that?

You know, the thing with you is that, like, Sometimes one eye is like, cloudy, right? And the other one is, like, sunny. Like, cloudy, sunny, cloudy, sunny. Close one eye, it's cloudy. Close the other eye is sunny.

I'm good man. I'm-I'm straight.

I can't lose my daughter. I'll give you my everything.

Christina, what would you do if you knew you had less than one minute to live?

I'd kiss you again.

Lily awoke in an evening dress and an opera cloak. In her hand were 5 playing cards. At some point today, you're gonna hear about a failed terrorist attack on a commuter train near Chicago. You and I kept that bomb from going off. If you're reading this e-mail, then Source Code works even better than you and Dr. Rutledge imagined. You thought you were creating 8 minutes of a past event, but you're not. You've created a whole new world. Goodwin, if I'm right, somewhere at the Source Code facility, you have a Capt. Colter Stevens waiting to send on a mission. Promise me you'll help him. And when you do, do me a favor: tell him everything is gonna be okay.

It's the same train, but it's different.

Eight minutes and then I blow up again?

The explosion came from behind me.

If you're reading this e-mail, then Source Code works even better than you and Dr. Rutledge imagined. You thought you were creating eight minutes of a past event, but you're not. You've created a whole new world. Goodwin, if I'm right, somewhere at the Source Code facility, you have a Captain Colter Stevens waiting to send on a mission. Promise me you'll help him. And when you do, do me a favor. Tell him everything is going to be okay.

A story: A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands, love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper; his hands remember the rifle.

A flashlight was a moonbeam. A pen was an ink stick. My mouth was a cum receptacle. A bed was a rack. A wall was a bulkhead. A shirt was a blouse. A tie was still a tie, and a belt a belt. But many other things would never be the same.

Every war is different, every war is the same.

For most problems the Marine is issued a solution. If ill, go to sickbay. If wounded, call a Corpsman. If dead, report to graves registration. If losing his mind, however, no standard solution exists.

Suggested techniques for the Marine to use in the avoidance of boredom and loneliness: Masturbation. Rereading of letters from unfaithful wives and girlfriends. Cleaning your rifle. Further masturbation. Rewiring Walkman. Arguing about religion and meaning of life. Discussing in detail, every woman the Marine has ever fucked. Debating differences, such as Cuban vs. Mexican, Harleys vs. Hondas, left- vs. right-handed masturbation. Further cleaning of rifle. Studying of Filipino mail order bride catalog. Further masturbation. Planning of Marine's first meal on return home. Imagining what the Marine's girlfriend and her man Jody are doing in the hay, or in the alley, or in a hotel bed.

What would you say if I told you I was gonna kill you for fucking me over like that?

An accident. Right. Like when the trigger slips. Of course, your nice little mom and dad are where?

Cottonwood Falls. They'll be sad. They won't have their little boy to send fucking cookies to. I'll say it was an accidental discharge. I might spend some time in the brig… but it'll end this fucking waiting. And I don't know what it's like to kill a man.

I'm in the firing position known as the sitting position. After the prone position, it is the platform most likely to enable a Marine to effectively kill his target. His target being a human, generally an enemy but sometimes a friend or friendly. We call this friendly fire, or friendly fucking or getting friendly fucked.

What do you think Cortez? You think I'll accidentally kill your homeboy from boot camp?

See that kid? The one dreaming to serve his country. That Jarhead is me.

Look, I'm twenty years old and I was dumb enough to sign a contract. I can hear their fucking bombs already. I can hear their bombs and I'm fucking scared, yeah.

The Marine must learn to kill. He may wear a tattoo, or display his medals, or tell lies in bars. But he is not a true marine until he has seen combat.

The M16A2 service rifle is a lightweight air-cooled, gas-operated, magazine-fed shoulder weapon. It fires a 5.56 mm ball projectile at a muzzle velocity of 2,800 feet per second. This is my rifle. Repeat after me.

A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.

Why you pursue something is as important as what you pursue.

That's my job, that's what I do, I'd like to think if you're seeing me you're having the worst day of your life.

I feel like grabbing you by your ears right now and screaming, "I'm not fucking interested!". Instead, I'm going to drive home and do some accounting.

What if my problem wasn't that I don't understand people but that I don't like them? What if I was the kind of person who was obliged to hurt you for this? I mean physically. I think you'd have to believe afterward, if you could, that agreeing to participate and then backing out at the critical moment was a mistake. Because that's what I'm telling you, as clearly as I can.

My motto is if you want to win the lottery you've got to make money to buy a ticket.

Now I like you, Nina. And I look forward to our time together. But you have to understand, fifteen thousand isn't all that I want. From here on, starting now, I want my work to be credited by the anchors and on a burn. The name of my company is Video Production News, a professional news-gathering service. That's how it should be read and that's how it should be said. I also want to go to the next rung and meet your team, and the station manager, and the director, and the anchors, and start developing my own personal relationships. I'd like to start meeting them this morning. You'll take me around, you'll introduce me as the owner and president of Video Production News, and remind them of some of my many other stories. I'm not done. I also want to stop our discussion over prices. This will save time. So when I say that a particular number is my lowest price, that's my lowest price and you can be assured that I arrived at whatever that number is very carefully. Now, when I say that I want these things, I mean that I want them and I don't want to have to ask again. And the last thing that I want, Nina, is for you to do the things that I ask you to do when we're alone together in your apartment, NOT LIKE THE LAST TIME. So, I'll tell you what. I have the van crash on Moorpark tonight. It was a couple of stringers actually. That could lead by itself on an average night. I'd be willing to throw that in for free. So what do you say, do we have a deal?

A friend is a gift you give yourself.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Your selection by Video Production News is evidence of the hiring committees recognition of your employment history, and your unique personal qualities. It is my hope that through hard work and commitment you will move through the intern program and continue to pursue your career goals as full-time employees of Video Production News. I can tell you from experience that the surest way up the ladder is to listen carefully, and follow my orders. You may be confused at times, and other times unsure. But remember, I will never ask you to do anything that I wouldn't do myself.

I'm a hard worker. I set high goals, and I've been told that I'm persistent. Now, I'm not fooling myself, sir. Having been raised with the self esteem movement so popular in schools, I used to expect my needs to be considered. But I know that these days, our culture no long caters to the job loyalty that could be promised to earlier generations. What I believe, sir, is that good thinks come to those who work their asses off. And that people such as yourself, who reached the top of the mountain didn't just fall there. My motto is, if you want to win the lottery, you have to make the money to buy the ticket.

You see, Rick, they've done studies, and they found that in any system that relies on cooperation, from a school of fish or say even a professional hockey team for example, these experts have identified communication as the number one single key to success.

I'm focusing on framing. A proper frame not only draws the eye into a picture, but keeps it there longer, dissolving the barrier between the subject and the outside of the frame.

Well, life isn't that simple. I mean, who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love.

Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else.

First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario - It just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living… if you don't have a dick?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, I'd like to believe I'm not, but I just... I've just never seen any proof, so I... I just don't debate it anymore, you know? It's like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons. And in the end, I still wouldn't have any proof. So I just... I just don't debate it anymore. It's absurd.

Of course. The rabbit's not like us. It has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret. I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy. Don't get me wrong. You know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy that you don't know who you are or why you're even alive. You just wanna have sex as many times as possible before you die. I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit, you know, who never even feared death to begin with.

Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

"'A storm is coming,' Frank says. 'A storm that will swallow the children. And I will deliver them from the kingdom of Bane. I'll deliver the children back to their doorsteps. I'll send the monsters back to the underground. I'll send them back to a place where no one else can see them except for me, 'cause I am Donnie Darko.'"

Well, they say it right when they flood the house, and they tear it to shreds that, like, uh, destruction is a form of creation. So the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things.

I was in jail once. I mean I accidentally burned down this house. It was abandoned, but still, I got held back in school and I can't drive until I'm 21. But I'm over all of that. I... I... I'm painting and stuff. Writing. I want to be a writer, or maybe a painter, I don't know, or maybe both. I'll write a book and draw the pictures. Then maybe people will understand me. I don't know, change things.

You want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating Twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know, it takes a little, little while to find that out. Right, Jim? And you. Yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe you should lift some weights or take a karate lesson. And the next time he tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.

That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living… if you don't have a dick?

Tell you what, we coulda had a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! Had us a place of our own. But you didn't want it, Ennis! So what we got now is Brokeback Mountain! Everything's built on that! That's all we got, boy, fuckin' all. So I hope you know that, even if you don't never know the rest! You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on - and then you ask me about Mexico and tell me you'll kill me for needing somethin' I don't hardly never get. You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you… I can't make it on a coupla high-altitude fucks once or twice a year! You are too much for me Ennis, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.

Dear Justine, because of you I will be quitting the Retail Rodeo. The last two days have been the most God awful of my life. I've not been able to get rid of you in my head. I've never wanted anything so bad and I have wanted many things. I'd given up long ago on being gotten by someone else, and then you came along. The idea that I could be gotten because of circumstantial never get got is the worst feeling I've ever felt and I have felt many bad feelings. I'm sorry I can never see you again, Justine. Forgive me for being so weak, but that is who I am. Goodbye. Holden Worther. If, for some reason, you could change your mind and wanna be with me body and soul, meet me after work. I will be waiting for you at 5pm outside Chunky Cheese. If you are not there at five you will never see me again in your lifetime.