Jack Black Monologues

A long-ass fuckin' time ago in a town called Kickapoo / There lived a humble family religious through and through / But yea there was a black sheep and he knew just what to do / His name was young JB and he refused to step in line / A vision he did see of fucking rocking all the time / He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align...

So he bailed from fucking Kickapoo with hunger in his heart / And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art / But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpart / Rock! / Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock / Rah-ha-ha-ha-ha…

I told you, we're just two fuckin' business men on our way to see some shit in Sacramento!

What do you want, 'Non-Rocker'? This line is reserved for 'Rockers Only', so I can't really talk to you right now!

Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, more precious than a diamond on a platinum chain!

In Venice Beach, there was a man named Kage When he was buskin he was all the rage. He met Jables and he taught him well, all the techniques that were developed in hell. Cock pushups and the power slide, gig simulation now theres nowhere to hide. They formed a band they named Tenacious D, and then they got the Pick of Destiny.

Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child. You know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, our tasty grooves are better than a chicken chow mein!

Cause he who is sleazy, is easy to pleasy. And she who is juicy, must be loosy-goosey. And he who is groovy, will be in my movie, so come on!

The wizard and the demon had a battle royale, the demon almost killed him with an evil kapow, but then he broke his tooth and thus the demon said "OW"

Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know our movie's better than Citizen Kane!

Cause he who's a geezer, must live in my freezer. And she who is starkey, is full of mularkey. And he who is groovy, must be in my movie, so come on! Oh! Cause if you're a diva, then go to Geneva. And if you're a crony, then suck on my bony. And if you are groovy, then get in my movie! It's called the Pick of Destiny! The Pick of Destiny.

My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.

Yes! But, you can't just say it, man. You've gotta feel it in your blood and guts! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules. You gotta get mad at the man! And right now, I'm the man. That's right, I'm the man, and who's got the guts to tell me off? Huh? Who's gonna tell me off?

God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name we pray, Amen.

Hey, you've got some everybody wants: You've got talent, girl! You have an incredible singing voice, and I'm not just saying that. You've heard of Aretha Franklin, right?

She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds. Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight issue?

Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy! And chubby, man.

Because I like to eat. Is that such a crime? Look, you know what? That's not even the point. The thing is, you're a rock star now. All you gotta do is just go out there and rock your heart out. People are gonna dig you, I swear. Let's go out here and show 'em what you got, what do you say?

I pledge allegiance... to the band... of Mr. Schneebly... and will not fight him... for creative control... and will defer to him on all issues related to the musical direction of the band.

Oh, I was this close to getting the Polish Philharmonic and I nailed the audish, but I didn't get it. Guess who did? Yo-Yo Ma's cousin. Little nepotis! Anyway, I just decided to give up and become a teacher, because those that can't do, teach, and those that can't teach, teach gym.

It may sound easy, but nothing could be harder. It will test your head, and your mind, and your brain, too.

Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath, let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math. Three minus four is?

That's right. And six times a billion is?

Nailed it. And fifty-four is forty-five more than what is the answer, Marta?

No, it's eight.

...Yes, I was testing you... it's nine. And that's a magic number.

In the end of time, there was a man who knew the road. And the writing was written on the stone. In the ancient time, an artist led the way, but no one seemed to understand. In his heart he knew, the artist must be true, but the legend of the rent was way past due! Well you think you'll be just fine without me, but you're mine! You think you can kick me out of the band? Well there's just one problem there. The band is mine! How can you kick me out of what is mine? Well you're not hardcore unless you live hardcore, but the legend of the rent was way hardcore!

You want me to teach you something? Here's a useful lesson for you: give up. Just quit. Because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try. But in the end, you're just gonna lose, big time. Because the world is run by the Man.

The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? He's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Miss Mullins, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what? Oh no. The Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool, or pure, or awesome, 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!

Lead guitar... Zack Attack. On bass... Posh Spice. On keyboards, Mr. Cool. And on drums, Spazzy McGee. Okay, Blondie, Brace Face, you're singing backup. All right, Tough Guy, Shortstop, Fancy Pants, get over here. You're on security detail.

Of course, you can, Fancy Pants. Okay. Carrot Top, Roadrunner, Turkey Sub, we're gonna have a lot of equipment...

And you three… groupies… As for me, I will be singing lead vocal and shredding guitar.

Now you played hard in here, people, and I am proud of every last stinking one of you. So let's just give thing everything we got. We may fall on our faces, but if we do, we will fall with dignity! With a guitar in our hands, and rock in our hearts! And in the words of AC/DC: "We roll tonight, to the guitar bite, and for those about to rock, I salute you."

Now raise your goblet of rock. It's a toast to those who rock!

Look, the first thing you do when you start a band is talk about your influences. That's how you figure out what kind of band you want to be. So who do you like? Blondie?

Who? No. Come on. What? You, Shortstop.

Wrong. Billy?

Hey! What's up? Is that a new song? Who's this guy?

Good, because I need the money. Now, listen. If we're gonna win this thing, we gotta actually start playing some music.

Your lyrics, now, don't take this the wrong way, Theo, are lame. But I've been sitting on some awesome material, so...

Okay, you're gonna kick me out of the band? You're gonna fire me? Well, this is my band. I brought us together.

Read between the lines, Theo. Read between the lines!

You guys, you know what? You're nuts. You're all nuts. You've been focused so hard on making it, you forgot about one little thing. It's called the music. And I don't even care. You know what? So what? I don't wanna hang out with a bunch of wannabe corporate sellouts. I'm gonna form my own band and we are gonna start a revolution, okay? And you're gonna be a funny little fotenote on my epic ass. I feel sorry for you guys.

Come on come on come on / Touch me babe, bada bada, can't you see / that I am not afraid, shaga tada! / Lawrence is good at piano / He shall be rocking in my show, shaga tada!

Come on, man! One show, $20,000 prize, we split it 60-40, grab your bass and come back to the garage, brother! I mean, don't you miss rocking out?

All right, that's it. Stop, you guys, stop. Seriously, you guys. All right, take five. Take five. You wanna go? All right. That was a good class.