Hugh Grant Monologues

Before you came into my life I could make all kinds of decisions, now I can't, I'm addicted, I have to know what you think!

What do you think?

Well that's just silly. Have you met everybody on the planet?

I'm now poor. When I say I'm poor, I mean we may have to share a helicopter with another family.

Yes, she is terrifying. I thought she was going to kill me and feed me to the poor.

I own the hotel, and I live there. My life is very much like Monopoly.

I need your advice on one last thing, then I promise you will never hear from me again. You see, I've just delivered the first speech I've written entirely by myself since we met, and I think I may have blown it. I want to ask your thoughts. Okay? Then I will read it to you. I'd like to welcome everyone on this special day. Island Towers will bring glamour and prestige to the neighborhood and become part of Brooklyn's renaissance. And I'm very pleased and proud to be here. Unfortunately, there is one fly in the ointment. You see, I gave my word to someone that we wouldn't knock down this building behind me. And normally, and those of you who know me or were married to me can attest to this, my word wouldn't mean very much. So why does it this time? Well, partly because this building is an architectural gem and deserves to be landmarked and partly because people really do need a place to do senior's water ballet and CPR. Preferably not together. But mainly because this person, despite being unusually stubborn and unwilling to compromise and a very poor dresser, is... she's rather like the building she loves so much. A little rough around the edges but, when you look closely, absolutely beautiful. And the only one of her kind. And even though I've said cruel things and driven her away, she's become the voice in my head. And I can't seem to drown her out. And I don't want to drown her out. So, we are going to keep the community center. Because I gave my word to her and because we gave our word to the community. And I didn't sleep with June. That's not in the speech, that's just me letting you know that important fact. What do you think?

You make Gandhi look like a used cars salesman.

That is not true. I did call Slurpee Heaven. They didn't want you. Heard you had attitude. Said you weren't "Slurpee" material.

What do you think of this? Too ornate? Or do you think it's… beltacular.

Do you know that I've asked 30 people that question. You're the only one to come up with that answer. My God, you're good. I'm getting you a bigger office.

Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and… , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered… ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to… Eh… Eh… No, no, no of course not… I'm an idiot, he's not… Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb… Better get on…

Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time l've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But l'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.

Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree not to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?

There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now… in the rain.

All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm… eh… em… eh… still thinking.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe all this - waiting for one true love stuff - gets you nowhere.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Ah! You know, um, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.

Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.

I love that word "relationship." Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship; a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country, but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.

Yes, in fact, I am. Merry Christmas.

Part of the service, now. Trying to get round to everyone by New Year's Eve.

It's fine, it's fine. You could've said "fuck," and then we'd have been in real trouble.

Yes, I'm afraid I am. And I'm sorry for all the cock-ups, my cabinet are absolute crap. We'll have to do better next year.

*You* have this kind of problem? Yeah... of course you did, you saucy minx!

I'm very busy and important. How can I help you?

Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen

When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even / Brightly shone the moon that night…

Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?

Yes, I would like that very much, indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.

I'm not sure that politics and dating really go together.

Yeah, well, the difference is you're still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.

I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. I think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you.