Gene Wilder Monologues

I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want… I want…

I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.

Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.

Well, let's see. If we add these, we get ten, four... Hmm... Amazing. It's absolutely amazing. That under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit. Hmm... Yes, it's quite possible! If he were certain that the show would fail, a man could make a fortune!

According to the backers list, you raised $60,000, but the play that you produced only cost $58,000. That's $2,000 unaccounted for.

But your honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, Whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I mean... This man... No one had ever called me Leo before. I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before- I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... This is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did.

What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around… and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle… and I've been there ever since.