Elliot Page Monologues

Cute Pedophile Pleads Guilty.

"Aww, it's not his fault. He's sick. He has an addiction."

Yeah. You might. You might get jail time. I dunno: therapy, drugs, group discussions, notifying people when you move into a new house. How bad is that, really?

Well, didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?

It's hard to say for sure. Maybe not a Calabasas girl. Maybe not the daughter of a med school professor.

Maybe not even named Hayley.

I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.

I dunno. There's that whole nature versus nurture question, isn't it? Was I born a cute, vindictive little bitch or... did society make me that way? I go back and forth on that...

Of course they will. You're not an idiot, Jeff. You don't piss where you live. Those girls were your work, and I, on the other hand, was your play.

Who? The pedophiles! 'She was so sexy. She was asking for it.' 'Oh, she was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.' It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she's ready to do what a woman does.

I mean, you're the grown-up here. If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it, you don't encourage it! If a kid says, 'Hey, let's make screwdrivers!' you take the alcohol away, and you don't race them to the next drink!

Okay, okay, let's get something straight. YOU have been stalking me. I went into different chat rooms with different nicknames and you would get to know each one. And as soon as you found out they were any bit older than me you would just drop them like that. You took your time sniffing out someone my age.

You know, actually, it's kinda funny. Because every time I would mention some obscure singer or band, you knew so much about them. But not right away, it was like a few minutes later. Maybe enough time to look them up on the web? Jeff, you used the same phrases about Goldfrapp as they do on Amazon.com. Busted! Oh, and by the way, I fucking hate Goldfrapp.

Well, 4 out of 5 doctors agree that I am actually insane.

Okay, well you know what? I am not lonely and therefore not stupid. I untie you, you might understandably be a little peeved. So when I am ready to go, I'll call a cab and call another one to let you loose.

I wonder why they teach Girl Scouts things like camping and selling cookies. You know? 'Cause this is what's really useful. I don't know how they'd design a merit badge though. That'd be interesting.

Wow... You know, that is so thoughtful! You are speaking to me so selflessly! I mean, you just don't want me to castrate you for my own benefit? Wow, I'm touched. Jeff, why don't we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment? Imagine that when you downloaded this little girl... I was sitting by your side, saying, "Stop, don't do that to yourself." Would you have listened? "Stop. Don't do that to yourself."

Torture? Is this torture to you? Because wow, I guess you've never read anything about Amnesty International or Human Rights Watch, because this... this is nothing.

That's kind of been my question, Jeff. What the FUCK are you doing? Living in a house filled with pictures of half naked teenage girls. Oh, none of whom you've ever done it with.

There's really no point in me taking any risks, Jeff. Technically, I could let you scream your fucking brains out and no one is gonna hear you. Yeah, I waited till today because Mr. Coughlin is at work and the Krascos, they're vacationing in Santa Barbara. Still, I can't have some pedestrian just happening by as you're screaming so SHUT UP or next time, it's gonna be bleach, okay?

Didn't you remember what I said about not drinking anything you didn't mix yourself? That's good advice for everyone.

Seriously. It turns out that castration is like the easiest surgical procedure around, and thousands of farm boys across the country geld their own livestock. So I figured, if they can do it, then I can pull it off, if you know what I mean.

It's not me you need to worry about. It's Janelle. I called her, told her I was Lieutenant Hayley from the LAPD. How far does she live, Jeff?

That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who like had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blah I am a Kracken from the sea!"

Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."

I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.

But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.

Yea, you just take Soupy-Sales to prom I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Cause all those things, would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you.

…and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails!

Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.

No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier.

I was thinking more, like, graphic designer... mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.

Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?

You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but - I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks eat that shit up. They just won't admit it, because they're supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah. Who, incidentally, is into teachers.

When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All i see is pork swords.