Clint Eastwood Monologues

Uh uh. I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?

Yeah, well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard - that's my policy.

When a naked man is chasing a woman through a dark alley with a butcher knife and a hard on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross.

Now you know why they call me Dirty Harry: every dirty job that comes along.

Not me, no. You're the one who wants to get yourself killed. Not me. That always happens with you men, you know? At the last minute, you wanna grab on to something or take somebody with you, but down you go. Not me, brother.

A friend of mine was up about 20 floors with a jumper a few years ago. The jumper grabbed him, they went off, 20 floors down. Just mashed 'em all to bits. You couldn't tell which legs were which, you couldn't tell which arms were which, it was a terrible mess. And I'll tell ya, I almost threw up myself. I'd just like your name and address, that's all.

Well like I said, it's such a mess down there afterwards. And it makes identification impossible, even if they do find your driver's license in all that blood and everything.

Aw, don't do that, son. I mean all those people down there looking up? The fire chief looking up, his face?

That's right. I've killed women and children. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you did to Ned.

You better bury Ned right!… Better not cut up, nor otherwise harm no whores… or I'll come back and kill every one of you sons of bitches.

All right, I'm coming out. Any man I see out there, I'm gonna shoot him. Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I'm not only gonna kill him, but I'm gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down.

It's a hell of a thing, killin' a man. Take away all he's got, and all he's ever gonna have.

I ain't like that no more. I ain't the same, Ned. Claudia, she straightened me up, cleared me of drinkin' whiskey and all. Just 'cause we're goin' on this killing, that don't mean I'm gonna go back to bein' the way I was. I just need the money, get a new start for them youngsters. Ned, you remember that drover I shot through the mouth and his teeth came out the back of his head? I think about him now and again. He didn't do anything to deserve to get shot, at least nothin' I could remember when I sobered up.

Give him a drink of water, goddamn it. Will you give him a drink of water, for Christ's sake? We ain't gonna shoot.

What I said the other day, you looking like me, that ain't true. You ain't ugly like me, it's just that we both have got scars.

Here, take this money and give my half and Ned's half to my kids. Tell 'em if I ain't back in a week, they give half to Sally Two-Trees. You keep the rest, you can get them spectacles now.

Funny thing, killin' a man. You take away everything he's got and everything he's gonna have.

Yeah. I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they got someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the doo-wop dago you are.

Ten bucks? Jesus Christ, Marty. What are you, half Jew or somethin'? You keep raising the damn prices all the time.

Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

I think you're an overeducated 27-year-old virgin who likes to hold the hands of superstitious old ladies and promise them everlasting life.

Yeah? I blow a hole in your face and then I go in the house... and I sleep like a baby. You can count on that. We used to stack fucks like you five feet high in Korea... use ya for sandbags.

Yeah, don't swear AT the guy, just talk about people who are not in the room... eeeh... you could talk about your boss... eeeh... making you work extra time when there is bowling night.

You wanna know what it's like to kill a man? Well, it's goddamn awful, that's what it is. The only thing worse is getting a medal… for killing some poor kid that wanted to just give up, that's all. Yeah, some scared little gook just like you. I shot him in the face with that rifle you were holding in there a while ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, and you don't want that on your soul.

Take these three items, some WD-40, a vise grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone.

What the hell does everybody want with my Gran Torino?

Relax, zipperhead. I'm not gonna shoot you. I'd look down too, if I was you. You know, I knew you were a dipshit the first time I ever saw you. Then I thought you were worse with women than stealing cars… Toad.

You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan just walk out with Miss What's-her-face. She likes you, you know? Though I don't know why!

Yeah... Yum Yum... yeah... nice girl... nice girl, very charming girl... I talked with her... yeah. But you, you just let her walk out right out with the Three Stooges. And you know why? 'Cause you're a big fat pussy. Well, I gotta go. Good day, pussycake.

Your birthday today, Daisy. This year you have to make a choice between two life paths. Second chances comes your way. Extraordinary events culminate in what might seem to be an anticlimax. Your lucky numbers are 84, 23, 11, 78, and 99. What a load of shit.

All right, here's the deal: you stay away from Thao, understand? You tell your friends to stay away from Thao. And if they don't listen, tell 'em you don't wanna see them anymore. That's it. Got it? I'll take that as a yes, cuz if I have to come back here, it's gonna get FUCKIN' ugly!

Shut up, pussy. What is all this "bro" shit, anyway? You wanna be super-spade or something? These guys don't wanna be your "bro" and I don't blame 'em. Now get your ofay paddy ass on down the road.