Bradley Cooper Monologues

Wipe that fuckin' smirk of your face! You hear me? I want you to leave that fuckin' kid alone, alright? Look at me. Look at me! You wanted to come live with me right? You think this is easy for me? During this time, huh? I'm trying to make this work. I'm doing it for you. You can have anything you want, but I don't want you to touch that kid. You leave him alone. You under-fucking-stand me? Say yes!

When I was a kid I used to look at my dad dressed in judge's robes and I used to think that my father was a superhero. And I don't think I was far off. He had that quality that judges have, where they have tremendous compassion, but they're also ferocious at the same time. He wasn't afraid of making enemies. I think that's probably why he had so many friends.

When I was in law school, we used to always talk about justice. We'd have discussions about justice. But that's just what they were, discussions . I joined the police force because I wanted to work alongside the brave men and women who know that some problems can't be solved by talking. And no one wants to be in the situation that I found myself in a couple of weeks ago. I certainly wished it turned out differently. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I have a wish that sometimes it wasn't me who was called upon that house that day. But that's the job. And I can't think of another line of work I'd rather be in. Thank you.

I should have brought this to you sooner, I apologize. This is recovered from a house during a search…

This is our problem of the fucking police department and I'm bringing it to your attention, because that's what I should fucking do!

For a guy with a four digit IQ, I must have missed something. And I hadn't missed much... I'd come this close to having an impact on the world... And now the only thing I'd have an impact on... was the sidewalk.

No scenario? I see every scenario, I see fifty scenarios. That's what it does, Carl - it puts me fifty moves ahead of you.

What was this drug? I couldn't stay messy on it, I hadn't had a cigarette in six hours, hadn't eaten, so... abstemious and tidy? What was this? A drug for people who wanted to be more anal retentive?

I was blind, but now I see.

You know, you should really be glad about this, 'cause - you know, me working for you? - you'd end up as my bitch.

You see that guy? That was me not so long ago. What kind o' guy without a drug or alcohol problem looks this way? Only a writer.

I wasn't high, I wasn't wired, just clear. I knew what I needed to do, and how to do it.

A tablet a day and I was limitless.

... Well, sure, y-you get a short-term spike, but wouldn't that rapid expansion devalue the stock completely in two years?

Against aggressive overexpansion? There aren't because there are no safeguards in human nature. We're wired to overreach. Look at history, all the countries that have ever ruled the world: Portugal, with this big, massive navy - all they've got now are salt cod and cheap condoms.

And Brits? Now they're just sitting in their dank little island, fussing over their suits. No one's stopping and thinking, 'Hey, we're doing pretty well. We got France, we got Poland, we got a big Swiss bank account... You know what? Let's not invade Russia in the winter. Let's go home, let's pop a beer, and let's live off the interest.'

Okay, so what do we have here? Some unknown, untested, possibly dangerous drug scammed out of some unidentified lab somewhere, given to me by a highly unreliable guy I hadn't seen in years.

Information from the odd museum show, a half-read article, some PBS documentary... it was all bubbling up in my frontal lobes, mixing itself together into a sparkling cocktail of useful information... She didn't have a chance.

I see every everything, Carl. I'm fifty moves ahead of you and everybody else. What makes you think I don't have a guy with a bead on you right now? How do you know you're gonna be alive this time next year?

From now on, I'd happily be his errand boy, wash his windows, scrub his toilet - anything I could do to get my hands on that little clear pill that would bring back... Enhanced Eddie.

You don't like me and I don't blame you. You see a self-defeating, energy-sucking piece of shit who's sponging off your husband. You're wishing I'd blow my brains out, but my existence shouldn't make you this upset. What is it?

The next morning, I sent a little probe down into my brain... No surge of brilliance came up to greet me.

In short, I was back.

My brain was just pouring this stuff out. Everything I had ever read, heard, seen, was now organized and available. Here it is. Here you go.

Only problem... if I wasn't moving forward, I felt like I was going to explode.

I see everything, Carl. I'm 50 moves ahead of you and everybody else. What makes you think I don't have a guy with a bead on you right now? How do you know you're gonna be alive this time next year?

Something's pumping half-a-mass in there. The walls of your heart are dilated. You're aortic valve's steno, so you're gonna need to get that replaced. But you already knew that.

You know, you should really be glad about this, 'cause me working for you? You'd end up as my bitch.

The only way you can beat my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck.

The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy.

This is what I learned at the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.

Hey, my friend Ronnie is having this party on Sunday night and it's like a real hoity-toity thing. And his wife Veronica is a real stickler for… I don't know. My mom got this Gap outfit she wants me to wear, but I want to wear a jersey that my brother Jake got me from the Eagles

I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die?

Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it's okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun and it's not because they got a broken wing, and they're hurt, and they're an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed. And you gotta make sure it gets mended. And you're gettin' in the way of that right now, okay? Because she's sensitive and she's smart, she's artistic. This is a great girl and you gotta be respectful of that. Come on. Let me walk you down to your car. You're a better guy than this. I can see it in your eyes.

It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.

She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.

We have a very unconventional chemistry, it makes people feel awkward, but not me. Alright? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.