Anthony Michael Hall Monologues

By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.

Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.

I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But… that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.

Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.

Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.

Will you shut up? People around here work, alright? And will you hurry it up? I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.

Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.

Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.

Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.

You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us. I mean, all our lives we've been saying how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And now it's our party and we're in the john. We're in the john!

EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.

Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg out my ass right now, I would! Look we can deal with shame, death is a much deeper issue.

It can't be a dream! How can 2 people have the same dream. Ok lets analyse this. In the middle of the night... did I get up... and yack in your sink?

Didn't throw up? No? Maybe it was a dream then, you know... a very weird... bizarre... vivid... erotic... wet... detailed dream. Maybe we had malaria.

I can't believe you, I CANNOT belive you. You're dropping wolf-bait, and there are chicks outside!

Hold it, Wyatt. I know female stats. Anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue.

And as for your ugly ass, let me tell you something, you don't come into my friend's house, with your faggot friends, driving your motor bikes all over his floors, breaking windows, making a mess, stinking up the place, and believe me you do stink.

And here's what's gonna happen. You let go of the girls and you're going to apologize to all these people and you're gonna get on your bikes and pedal your ugly asses outta here.

So now, we're gentlemen so we're gonna give you a choice.

We need more input. We gotta fill this thing up with data. We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt. I want her to live. I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicize.

How about if we see if we can score the points with these two and deal with the McKays when we get to them later?

Okay, but whatever happens, we've gotta give Lisa a shot. I don't wanna hurt her feelings. Maybe the girls are lookin' for a long, lean bone job from me. Ready to party now?

We're gonna go get you guys some drinks. You look like a scotch man, you want some- we're gonna get some stuff and…

Well yeah, kinda, if you could call it- because…

I don't know, I mean I guess I was just asking myself that very question, and I can be a dick sometimes, so I don't know, I don't know.

I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this. Did you get a free toaster with this too?

Well, I know that! But, we can use it, Wyatt. We can ask it questions. We can put it in real-life sexual situations and see how it reacts. Like real sick, demented shit.

Okay, look. You know how you're always talking how you can simulate all that stuff on your computer. You know? What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girl?

I was nuts for the woman, man. Now you gotta believe me, I'm tellin' the truth here. I'm speakin' to you. I mean, I was nuts for the girl. And what did it to me was these big titties she had. For a 13-year-old girl, man! She wouldn't have had to worry about no titties for the rest of her life, boy. You know, she was set and she was looking good, son

Listening to this blues music reminds me of my own trials and tribulations as a young guy.

Al - Dad - my dad's a plumber. And he's into plumbing. And, well, I guess you plumb, right, Dad?

Deb, Lisa is everything I ever wanted in a girl - before I knew what I wanted. I know that if I could do it again, I'd make her just like you. Honest.

Saturday, March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois, 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did *was* wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at 7:00 this morning. We were brainwashed.

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…